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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

You offered, I'm asking...

Maybe daily posting is too much for you people.  Luckily, I don't care about your needs, this is all about me.  If I skip a day on here, how much easier will it be for me to grab a burger on the way to work tomorrow?  It shouldn't surprise anyone that I'm a closet eater.  When alone, when I think no one is watching, I will eat.  I've skipped meals at parties, nibbling on a tiny piece of cake at a birthday party then hit the drive thru on the way home.  Yes, it was shame.  I was ashamed of being seen eating, the only thing going thru my head is what everyone would think as I bring fork to mouth.

Retraining myself is going to be hard, I have to do several things to make this happen and I need your help.  I do not need to be discouraged when my choices are not to your standards.  So what if I eat a sandwich for lunch instead of a tofu puree?  Have you stopped to realize that a week ago I ate three sandwiches for lunch, AND chips, AND more chips?  I'm trying, I really am, but your recriminations are going to drive me to hiding again.  I'm like the fat Anne Frank and you're the food Nazi.  I know WHAT I eat is important, not trying to avoid that but right now, I'd like to prove to myself that I can control it, without hearing about all the new high protein, low carb blah-fucking blah.

I'm intimidated.  I know how much white bread, hamburger meat, ramen noodles, and chips I can afford on my budget.  I don't know how much fresh veggies, fruit and lean meat I can buy.  This whole thing scares the shit out of me, to the point where sometimes I want to give up.  Did you know that if I was hospitalized with a life-threatening illness to the point where I lost my job, got on medicare and disability, that the government would pay for gastric bypass?  Does you know how tempting that is?  The the only thing keeping me from that is pride, the pride that I have been told life is one of my biggest flaws.  Right now, I'm happy for that flaw.

I'm not going to give up, I'm going to win this but I need a support team, not a "you should" team.  I know what I "should" do:  eat right, exercise, drink more water.  Sounds easy but if it was, you wouldn't have to tell me to do it.  I have alot of people saying they will help anyway they can yet my pride is going to prevent me from asking for help.  I'm going to need you to force me to accept help.  One thing I need is activities.  All I do is work, sleep, watch TV.  I need to get out more but I don't know what there is to do for someone like me.  I walked another 17 minutes tonight after work (damn it was hot) but then I drove straight home.

What do you do after work and on the weekends?  And do you want someone to join you?

In a moment of levity, I was rocking these earrings!


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