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Saturday, July 28, 2012

Clear cache and reboot

I'm writing this on Saturday with a heavy heart.  My wife's in-laws came to town last week and had their vacation.  It was amazing; we did so much together and toured parts of South Florida I hadn't had "time" to visit.  At least I thought so but now I know, It wasn't a priority. (Thanks @NerdFitness for teaching me that here.

They all flew home yesterday and I go back to work in a couple days. This week had a lot of high points with tons of activities!  We went on sightseeing tours, explored museums, discovered hidden places along the waterfront and walked a TON.  We found a new spot on the beach that my wife and I are going to return to soon.  Also, I bought an epic hat.  Yes, yes it is nice isn't it?

We're so grateful they had the opportunity to come here and experience the culture and sights with us but if I can be perfectly honest, I'm beat. I need a vacation from my vacation.  And of course, there's the bad stuff that happened, the food.

So how about a list? We like lists!

  • Taco Bell
  • Five Guys
  • Pad Thai
  • Pizza
  • Wings
  • Burger King
  • Pollo Tropical
  • Chili Dogs
  • Bubba Gump Shrimp
  • Nachos
  • Dunkin Donuts
  • Empandas
  • Empandas
  • Empandas
  • Cuban Sandwich
  • Chick-Fil-A
  • Soft Shell Crab BLT
  • Nachos
  • Fried Gator
  • Steak N Shake
  • Dominos

So there you have it: a week of bad decisions intermingled with lots of walking and sweating.  You cannot work off a bad diet I've always heard so it looks like I'm celebrating my week off and 50 pound milestone with a little backtracking but you know what?  That's OK with me.  I know what I did to lose the weight, I know what I did to regain some and I know how to fix me.  I just need to refocus and it begins NOW.  So I'm resetting myself and recommitting to what I'm doing.  Next time I will try harder and will succeed so let's get today over with so I can see where I stand and evaluate the damage I need to undo.  

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

They say he's the same but he's not the same

How often do you think you're alone?  If you're anything like me, it's often.  If you're anything like me, it's a feeling that never really goes away and can be almost paralyzing.  It's frightening and daunting; a dark pit of despair to know you're the only one going through something or that no one cares.   I've been there for a long time.

For years I was the biggest person in my family, in my school, at my college, at any of my jobs.  I didn't see anyone, anywhere, my size.  I cannot compare that experience to something for you to relate but try to imagine going to an alien world where YOU are the alien, where everyone looks at you funny.  Even with the advent of the internet I didn't use it to connect with others struggling like I was.  I accepted my fate.

Ironic now that I've cancelled my cable but it was weight-loss "reality" shows that showed me other people like me.  I was able to live vicariously through them; their weight loss was my dream and I would imagine what it would be like if I could do that; it never crossed my mind to TRY.  Oh of course I tried but did I?  I don't think I did, I had accepted that I was different.

I started out on TLC with people who had gastric bypass and that became my way out.  I prayed for this surgery, I thought it was the answer, never realizing that I had the answer all the time.  After years of HOPING to get this without really trying, I can now confidently say that if I was offered free gastric tomorrow, I would decline.  Maybe.

After seeing some shows with people who weighed 300 pounds LESS than me get the surgery and seeing how depressed they were about their weight I started to think about something.  Am I stronger than them because I'm not getting it?  Then came the day I saw some shows about Morbid Obesity and people who weighed the same as me or LESS being bed bound or having walls knocked down to get them out of their house and I knew I was different.

I'm not perfect; I'm not better than anyone but you know what?  I'm pretty damn awesome.

  • At 670 pounds I got up everyday and went to work.
  • At 670 pounds I went into malls and stores.
  • At 670 pounds I could take a flight of stairs.
  • At 670 pounds I did not need a motorized cart at Walmart.
  • At 670 pounds I was capable.
  • At 670 pounds I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I started thinking about what is going right, not focusing on what's wrong:  my wife, my nieces and nephews, my job.  This wife of mine has more patience with me than I deserve and is the epitome of what Jesus says in Mark 12:28-33.  She loves me like herself and I couldn't ask for anything more out of this world.  My brothers and sisters have a combined 15 kids and every one of them is perfect and I miss them more than anything.

My career has moved me across the country three times for promotions and truly shows me that anyone can do anything in this country: I'm a college dropout with a hick accent and visible tattoos yet in six years I've received five promotions and am one away from being a vice president.  It has been said that "If you love your job you'll never work a day in your life" and I really believe that.  I'm happy when I'm there and dream about it when I'm not.

I've lost 50 pounds and at my size you can't really tell from looking but I can feel it.  Mentally I'm still 670 and I might always be but physically I'm different and I can't weight to see what else is going to change (did you see what i did there?)  Come along for the ride and let's see what happens in the next 10 weeks. 

Monday, July 2, 2012


I wake up yearning
Never to make up my learning
Failure isn't the reason
Regret is no longer in season
Desire abounds
Anticipation astounds
The man I'm becoming
The man I'm welcoming
Is a man we need
A man who will lead
A better life awaits
Full of things great
I'm almost there on the outside
To match what I feel inside
Inevitable winning is
Dreams alive it tis.