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Monday, May 13, 2013

SWM seeking approval

How come I let myself be intimidated?  Even in situations where my weight doesn't matter, like online, I'm worried about "approval" and ensuring that what I do is accepted.  I let myself and my behavior be impacted by others and it's stupid.  I can't even post on an anonymous website for fear of being called stupid or worse.

How dumb is that?  Anonymous internet strangers opinions of me bother me?   I need to come to to grips with accepting me for me and let everyone else fall by the wayside, I've spent too much time considering what the world thinks I should do or how I should act that I'm not sure I even know who the real me is anymore.

Remember the joke about the woman who colored her hair for so many years she forgot her natural color?  I'm like that, I've hidden away and limited myself to the point that I'm not sure what to do.  I am not the polite, sensitive guy some people know; I'm not the gruff, strong one that others are familiar with; I'm not the educated brainy fellow that makes the right choices.

I'm me, and the me I am is hard to define.  I make mistakes, I am uncomfortable around others, I don't empathize well, I am generous, I am unforgiving, I am confused.

My weight defines who I am so much that it's a part of me, if the day comes when it's not a constant reminder of why the world hates me then I might be able to come out of my shell, I might be able to "act natural" but before I start acting like myself, let me spend some more time acting like the me you want me to be.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

One Year Later

May 13, 2012. The day I thought my life had changed.  The day I thought I had it all figured out.  The day I was supposed to look back on as the beginning of my new life.

May 13, 2013 is around the corner and I have little to nothing to show for the past 12 months.  I began what I called my journey to my new life.  I stopped smoking, started exercising, watching what I eat and going to church faithfully.

That lasted, oh, about four months.  

I kept a weight log, recording my gains and losses, tracking weekly progress from 5/13 to 9/2, without fail.  I blogged, I recorded progress pics, I prayed.  Then it stopped.  I let my brain beat me and it's just a bunch of worthless, tired excuses that I am happy to list here but don't do a thing to explain why I'm such a fucking idiot.

Let's see, how about we list all the HIGHS, all the GOOD things that happened last year, perhaps to show myself as much as anybody what I was capable of accomplishing. 
  1. In 16 weeks I lost over 75 pounds.
  2. I smoked smoking.
  3. I got a 4% raise at work.
  4. I was happy.
Then it went to shit.  I don't know why. I do know why, I got over confident, I got bored, I got distracted, I got discouraged, I got lazy.

I'm so sick of writing these blogs, promising to do better yet I never do, sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it to try.  Is a better life even needed, is this one?  Why bother when I'm only a burden on others anyway, Why try?

So here's the big one:  I'm at 653 pounds today.  For those of you keeping score at home, that means I lost 75 months and then regain over 50 of it in the past year  I'm going up and down more than gas prices and unfortunately I always go up higher than before when I'm on the rebound so if not for something very drastic, I fully expect and dread the day when I am 700 pounds.  When it hits, you won't have to worry about these blogs anymore, cause I will kill myself, I don't even care.  It's a constant daily struggle now to even keep getting out of bed in the morning.

To that end and to keep my promise of full disclosure, I'm working on getting gastric bypass surgery.  I know I know, I'm a failure to you all.  I know, I know.  I don't care.  I am trying to change my life and I cannot do this on my own and if this tool will help me then so be it.  

I don't have the fortitude to ask for help.
I don't have the self-respect to beg for it.
I don't have the right to expect any.
I don't have any reason to wait.

I should know this week if the surgeon will even  accept me and then we can try for insurance approval.  I've done the nutritionist thing and will have the psych consult and PCP clearance this coming week.  Who knows, perhaps something will finally go right for me. 

And if you want to send me a negative comment, just shut up.  I don't need it.  And if this means you have lost respect for me, just go away, I don't have time for you.