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Monday, May 13, 2013

SWM seeking approval

How come I let myself be intimidated?  Even in situations where my weight doesn't matter, like online, I'm worried about "approval" and ensuring that what I do is accepted.  I let myself and my behavior be impacted by others and it's stupid.  I can't even post on an anonymous website for fear of being called stupid or worse.

How dumb is that?  Anonymous internet strangers opinions of me bother me?   I need to come to to grips with accepting me for me and let everyone else fall by the wayside, I've spent too much time considering what the world thinks I should do or how I should act that I'm not sure I even know who the real me is anymore.

Remember the joke about the woman who colored her hair for so many years she forgot her natural color?  I'm like that, I've hidden away and limited myself to the point that I'm not sure what to do.  I am not the polite, sensitive guy some people know; I'm not the gruff, strong one that others are familiar with; I'm not the educated brainy fellow that makes the right choices.

I'm me, and the me I am is hard to define.  I make mistakes, I am uncomfortable around others, I don't empathize well, I am generous, I am unforgiving, I am confused.

My weight defines who I am so much that it's a part of me, if the day comes when it's not a constant reminder of why the world hates me then I might be able to come out of my shell, I might be able to "act natural" but before I start acting like myself, let me spend some more time acting like the me you want me to be.

4 comments:

  1. Hey there! Thanks for posting. I've been reading through your blog and it really has been great. I love the spread sheet you have set up and I am trying to set one up for myself as well. It's a really great visual for me since I love the numbers!

    Thanks for posting a pic of it or I would have never gotten the idea :D

    Good luck to you and keep on keeping on! As a suggestion maybe you should take on one or two changes at a time. Trying to do it all and be perfect is almost always a recipe for failure. Trust I know. I've tried to do it a few times!

    Oh and I came over from sparkpeople but I do have a blog here on blogger as well :) Again, good luck and God bless you! You can do this, one step at a time.

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  2. Actually, seeking community approval is biologically hardwired. Once upon a time, we were so dependent on our community for survival, that we evolved to seek approval from our peers in order not to be kicked out of the tribe or group, which would likely lead to us starving or worse. I have the same issues (which is why I sought a reason for them) and knowing that it is just a part of being human and that we ALL have the same feelings has helped. Actually, the fact that you recognize this trait in yourself is heads above most people, who don't even realize they are constantly seeking peer approval.

    I love your blog btw! You're doing awesome!

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    Replies
    1. I appreciate the note, hope to be writing more soon

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