How come I let myself be intimidated? Even in situations where my weight doesn't matter, like online, I'm worried about "approval" and ensuring that what I do is accepted. I let myself and my behavior be impacted by others and it's stupid. I can't even post on an anonymous website for fear of being called stupid or worse.
How dumb is that? Anonymous internet strangers opinions of me bother me? I need to come to to grips with accepting me for me and let everyone else fall by the wayside, I've spent too much time considering what the world thinks I should do or how I should act that I'm not sure I even know who the real me is anymore.
Remember the joke about the woman who colored her hair for so many years she forgot her natural color? I'm like that, I've hidden away and limited myself to the point that I'm not sure what to do. I am not the polite, sensitive guy some people know; I'm not the gruff, strong one that others are familiar with; I'm not the educated brainy fellow that makes the right choices.
I'm me, and the me I am is hard to define. I make mistakes, I am uncomfortable around others, I don't empathize well, I am generous, I am unforgiving, I am confused.
My weight defines who I am so much that it's a part of me, if the day comes when it's not a constant reminder of why the world hates me then I might be able to come out of my shell, I might be able to "act natural" but before I start acting like myself, let me spend some more time acting like the me you want me to be.