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Monday, April 30, 2012

Rebirth


re·birth

  [ree-burth, ree-burth]  Show IPA
noun
1.
a new or second birththe rebirth of the soul.
2.
a renewed existence, activity, or growth; renaissance orrevival: the rebirth of conservatism.


Yesterday I had what some would call an epiphany or realization.  I had a moment of clarity, a decision, a determination that I cannot continue.  It's time for this blog to reach it's true purpose, to showcase the new me. One of the problems I had before was all I did was claim I was new, I didn't go through the process.  And to begin with, I need a rebirth: a renewed existence.  Metaphorically of course, I have no desire to be pushed through a birth canal again.  What I mean is I need a spark, a moment, something I can point to and say, that was it, that the time I started over.  Getting hospitalized is not it, that was not optional. Deciding to quit smoking the first time wasn't it, that was a choice.  I need my moment.

Tonight I got out of my chair and put my shoes on, walked out the door into the pouring rain and went to the gym.  I wish I could say I worked my butt off but alas, I got winded on the way there.  Plus I couldn't see.  Once there I put 50 pounds on the the overhead bar and did 100 pull-downs.  I think that's the name of it, I've never been one for knowing what an exercise is called.  It was this machine:


After that I tried to use the stationary bike but couldn't get it going, the pedals were too close together and I'm not built for that angle.  Guess that puts an end to my desire for a bike.  At least it means I don't have to want one for a while.  Finally I went to the sauna and steamed for a half hour, got all hot and sweaty (imagine Fat Bastard from Austin Powers:  "GET IN MY BELLY").  Then I walked home.  

It was during this walk home that I had this rebirth idea, the cold rain washing over me felt fresh, I felt new.  I felt like this could the moment when I change everything.  I loved it, I haven't purposefully walked in the rain in over 20 years and here I was, laughing my ass off coming home.  It's the real deal now, I'm making the commitment to myself, screw you guys, it's not for anyone else, but me.

Here's my list of things I'm committing to doing, and I will be updating this list as it happens:

1. Watch less than one hour or less of television per day, I'll start by deleting my DVR settings of some shows that I watch but could do without:  Bones, House, 2 Broke Girls, Merlin, Dual Survivor, Castle, Psych, Awake, America the Wild, Rules of Engagement, NYC 22, Wicked Tuna.  (Is anyone else surprised  I'm in the shape I'm in keeping up with that much TV?)  I'll keep a couple of my favorites:  Swamp People and Big Bang Theory as a reward but will not sit down as soon as I get home to watch them.

2.  Earlier in this post I alluded to getting out of my chair and going to walk.  Why do I have a chair?  Why did I spend $400 on something to sit my fat ass on?  If I don't have the chair, I can't sit.  If I can't sit, I have to get up.  Reminds me of Jim Jefferies: NSFW - LANGUAGE  I'm going to get rid of my chair, either sell or donate but it's gone.  Anyone want a brown microfiber chair and a half?

3.  Weekly weigh-ins.  Last year I was so looking forward to my weigh-ins to check my progress, I would make special trips to the gym on my day off.  I have used the excuse that I can't find one here as a reason to ignore it.  But here's the catch, every weight loss surgeon in the area has a scale that will work for me and let me use it for free.  One guy in particular has already told me even if I'm not interested in surgery he would like to talk to me so I'm going to weigh-in tomorrow and will publish the result, even if it's scary (which I'm pretty sure it will be). 

4.  Positive attitude.  Last night's post was full of excuses and self-pity.  That's not helpful or healthy.  I am going to be s ray of sunshine, I'm going to stop dwelling on the negative and will become a YES! MAN.  No longer will I deny something because I'm depressed or worried about being the fattest person in the room. (I'm already the biggest SOB in the state of Florida, why try to hide?)  

So as you can see, I rambled quite a bit again but that's my style.  I'm going to do better, I'm going to fix this or die trying.  I'm not content to die without effort!   Besides, no one wants to come to my funeral and stare as a refrigerator size casket, do they?  Good night and tomorrow is a new day and the new me is looking forward to it!!!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Failure

Have you ever failed?  Have you ever stopped doing the right thing?  Have you ever wanted to do right and didn't?  I can answer yes to all three, every day.

13 months ago I was in the hospital and thought I was going to die.  The reason?  Cause I'm morbidly obese, didn't exercise, smoked a pack a day and did nothing but go to work and come home.  I had a pulmonary embolism, a clot in my lungs.  This occurred less than a month after being promoted to Director; my career was on track, my personal life was rotten.  When I got out of the hospital I stopped smoking and decided to change my life.  You can go see my FaceBook to validate.  I was on top of the world!!!!

I was careful, I counted calories, started walking everyday, stopped smoking and was able to see myself having a family someday.  Another opportunity came up late that summer, I was being offered a position in South Florida, the company would pay for the move, I just needed to go there and do the same job for them.  Who wouldn't jump at that?  Was it implied that if I didn't that it would be bad for my career?  Sure.  But when your company wants you to go, you go.  So here I am, 20 minutes from the beach, 20 minutes from the Everglades, finally out from under a house that I hated, making more money than I ever have in my life and I'm miserable.


Miserable because I'm a failure.  Once I stopped seeing everyone that I knew and cared for, I stopped caring for myself.  Since they couldn't hold me accountable, I figured it wouldn't hurt to slow down on some of the stuff.  In fact, why not just go back to the easy life? OK!  There is a smoking patio 50 feet from my office and I'm out there again.  I'm back up to a pack a day.  No, it's not anyone's fault, it's mine.  I'm gaining weight because all I do is go back and forth from the office and my apartment.  I've been to the beach twice in four months and both times I sat and just watched people.  My apartment has three pools; I've been twice.  We have a high quality fitness center with machines, weights, and a sauna; I've been once.

Excuses, always excuses:  My back hurts so I can't walk.  I am sick of myself.  I have to change again.  I'm sick of not being able to stand through a church service (only thing going right for me is that I joined a church with Angela and we're going together).  It's official, I'm a failure and cannot be counted on to make permanent changes in my life.  I just don't have the will power alone.  I need help.  I'm going to be praying more often, I'm going to be asking for help, I'm going to need some help.  Why can't I do it alone?  Because I'm always alone and I'm tired of it.
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