Have you ever failed? Have you ever stopped doing the right thing? Have you ever wanted to do right and didn't? I can answer yes to all three, every day.
13 months ago I was in the hospital and thought I was going to die. The reason? Cause I'm morbidly obese, didn't exercise, smoked a pack a day and did nothing but go to work and come home. I had a pulmonary embolism, a clot in my lungs. This occurred less than a month after being promoted to Director; my career was on track, my personal life was rotten. When I got out of the hospital I stopped smoking and decided to change my life. You can go see my FaceBook to validate. I was on top of the world!!!!
I was careful, I counted calories, started walking everyday, stopped smoking and was able to see myself having a family someday. Another opportunity came up late that summer, I was being offered a position in South Florida, the company would pay for the move, I just needed to go there and do the same job for them. Who wouldn't jump at that? Was it implied that if I didn't that it would be bad for my career? Sure. But when your company wants you to go, you go. So here I am, 20 minutes from the beach, 20 minutes from the Everglades, finally out from under a house that I hated, making more money than I ever have in my life and I'm miserable.
Miserable because I'm a failure. Once I stopped seeing everyone that I knew and cared for, I stopped caring for myself. Since they couldn't hold me accountable, I figured it wouldn't hurt to slow down on some of the stuff. In fact, why not just go back to the easy life? OK! There is a smoking patio 50 feet from my office and I'm out there again. I'm back up to a pack a day. No, it's not anyone's fault, it's mine. I'm gaining weight because all I do is go back and forth from the office and my apartment. I've been to the beach twice in four months and both times I sat and just watched people. My apartment has three pools; I've been twice. We have a high quality fitness center with machines, weights, and a sauna; I've been once.
Excuses, always excuses: My back hurts so I can't walk. I am sick of myself. I have to change again. I'm sick of not being able to stand through a church service (only thing going right for me is that I joined a church with Angela and we're going together). It's official, I'm a failure and cannot be counted on to make permanent changes in my life. I just don't have the will power alone. I need help. I'm going to be praying more often, I'm going to be asking for help, I'm going to need some help. Why can't I do it alone? Because I'm always alone and I'm tired of it.