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Sunday, April 29, 2012

Failure

Have you ever failed?  Have you ever stopped doing the right thing?  Have you ever wanted to do right and didn't?  I can answer yes to all three, every day.

13 months ago I was in the hospital and thought I was going to die.  The reason?  Cause I'm morbidly obese, didn't exercise, smoked a pack a day and did nothing but go to work and come home.  I had a pulmonary embolism, a clot in my lungs.  This occurred less than a month after being promoted to Director; my career was on track, my personal life was rotten.  When I got out of the hospital I stopped smoking and decided to change my life.  You can go see my FaceBook to validate.  I was on top of the world!!!!

I was careful, I counted calories, started walking everyday, stopped smoking and was able to see myself having a family someday.  Another opportunity came up late that summer, I was being offered a position in South Florida, the company would pay for the move, I just needed to go there and do the same job for them.  Who wouldn't jump at that?  Was it implied that if I didn't that it would be bad for my career?  Sure.  But when your company wants you to go, you go.  So here I am, 20 minutes from the beach, 20 minutes from the Everglades, finally out from under a house that I hated, making more money than I ever have in my life and I'm miserable.


Miserable because I'm a failure.  Once I stopped seeing everyone that I knew and cared for, I stopped caring for myself.  Since they couldn't hold me accountable, I figured it wouldn't hurt to slow down on some of the stuff.  In fact, why not just go back to the easy life? OK!  There is a smoking patio 50 feet from my office and I'm out there again.  I'm back up to a pack a day.  No, it's not anyone's fault, it's mine.  I'm gaining weight because all I do is go back and forth from the office and my apartment.  I've been to the beach twice in four months and both times I sat and just watched people.  My apartment has three pools; I've been twice.  We have a high quality fitness center with machines, weights, and a sauna; I've been once.

Excuses, always excuses:  My back hurts so I can't walk.  I am sick of myself.  I have to change again.  I'm sick of not being able to stand through a church service (only thing going right for me is that I joined a church with Angela and we're going together).  It's official, I'm a failure and cannot be counted on to make permanent changes in my life.  I just don't have the will power alone.  I need help.  I'm going to be praying more often, I'm going to be asking for help, I'm going to need some help.  Why can't I do it alone?  Because I'm always alone and I'm tired of it.

12 comments:

  1. You are not a failure, you are human. We all fail, every day. You know this trip is a marathon, it will take daily commitment and many days. But the end is worth it. I sincerely hope you take the journey and I sincerely wish you the best. If I can help let me know - at least I won't be there confusing you with my crazy food ideas!

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    1. Appreciate it Guy, too bad we're so far apart now, I've gotten addicted to hummus, my favorite is with Louisiana hot sauce, onions, crushed red pepper flakes and some Cajun seasoning! Thought you'd enjoy that! miss you fella.

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  2. Don't beat yourself up. You were making good progress and you had a set back. So what. Took balls to pickup and move halfway across the continent, but YOU did that. Now stop swinging your purse at it and get-r-done. Kevin

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    1. I put my purse down and am getting it done. Sometimes you need coddled, sometimes you need kicked. Thank you.

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  3. Listen you! This is hard, dieting alone is hard! You are changing a life style that you have probably had your whole life. It's going to be the hardest thing you've probably ever done! Truth is, you'll probably fall off the wagon again. Hang in there, pray often, be patient, and overall, be kind to yourself. I love the analogy where if you drop your cell phone, you don't keep smashing it until its in pieces. Same with eating! If you mess up, get right back on the horse, not tomorrow when you can start fresh, the next meal! Hang in there, and keep writing. You're an excellent writer. Good for you for starting again!

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    1. Thank you Stephanie, your thoughts mean alot to me, if you think I can do it, I know I can. I appreciate the time you took to post a comment and won't be so negative in the future (I probably will).

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  4. Everyone goes of their diet, misses a work out or even stop both all together at some point. We have all made excuses at some point or another and will again. Know that we do this and that it there gives us power! If we are able to admit when we go off the plan ect we are that much stronger for it! It is so much easier to stop doing it all for one reason or the other but so much more worth it to go the hard route and keep making our selves get back up and move on! Your here and that says a lot! You can do it and you will!

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    1. Thank you Janise, Excuses are my crutch, I have one for everything and that's the first thing I have to change, I probably spend more energy avoiding things that just facing them.

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  5. Never use the word failure! You are definitely NOT a failure. You are dealing with change the best way you know how. Life and especially weight loss is a learning process... and it should be a lifestyle, not a temporary fix. There will always be those times we go back to the old us because we're human, but as long as you persist and every time you fall, you get back up, you are winning at life... no doubt about it.

    I came across your blog by accident... but we have a BUNCH in common. I once weighed 530 pounds and was also in the hospital at one time with a pulmonary embolism in my late 20s!! I've lost over 230 pounds so far and am struggling right now to get over a plateau, but I know if I keep persisting, I will get to where I want to be! Good luck, my friend. You can do it!

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    1. You're right Crave, I need to keep my chin up and I will, depression is something I've dealt with for a long time but hearing stories like yours make me smile and help me stay motivated, I checked out your blog and love your photography!!! Keep it up, I'll be around so don't surprised to see me stalk your blog, love your writing.

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  6. You can do this, I believe in you. Everyone feels the defeat it's how we pick ourselves up which I seen you have put on your big boy pants and done per your more recent blog and good for you! You probably will feel defeat again and again and again if your like me but the defeat makes us stronger and as long as we get back on that horse and get rid of or atleast fight all that stinklin thinkin you WILL accomplish WHATEVER you want WHATEVER you put your positive mind to you can manifest.

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    1. Absolutely right Jennifer! I got this!!

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