Day One

The first 24 hours of the new me has passed yet I don't feel different.  How long before I stop hating myself when I look in a mirror?  Today I heard comments made about my previous posts, a lot of shock and a little awe.  I'm not going to apologize for ruining your perception of me, the one that I built, the one that hides who I am and what I really feel.  I'm not doing this for you and if no one read or cared about this, I would gladly continue it.  For Me.  

I was also asked why a blog, why share everything?  To be honest, I didn't think about it much, I made a hasty decision and now that genie isn't going back in the lamp.  And I'm glad.  I already experience shame when people glance at me, what's wrong with adding a little disgust and pity?  These first couple of entries are going to be morose, they are going to be self-indulgent, I have to get it out.  Then I can move on.  

Today I started on a website to track my food intake, something that I should have done years ago, something that many of people advised me to do but I kept pushing against it.  There isn't a reason, there is a thousand reasons.  All of them suck.  Anyway, according to this website, I had over 4,000 calories yesterday.  enough for two or three grown men, which is pretty apropos, since I am as large as three men.  Looking at the list of food is enough to make you vomit, if you didn't feel like it anyway.  

Today I ate smaller meals, several times.  Tuna salad, handful of almonds, baked chicken, unsweetened applesauce, etc etc and my intake was cut in half. Still not great but I'll take it.  A lot of GUYs have told me not to count calories but pay more attention to WHAT I eat and I'm sure it's great advice but for now, I'm afraid it's more about how much, plus I can do that without spending lots of time looking for dirt-flavored food items.  

So I'm now going to start tracking my weights, this is going to shock you, considering that I don't like to tell people any personal information and I'm going to throw out the big one but if I don't, no one will hold me accountable.  When I tried this earlier in the year, I didn't advertise it so it was natural for me to have nachos for lunch everyday, no one knew every chip was killing me inside. 

So here you go, all you nosy bastards:  This week I weighed in at 680 pounds.  Three less than during my hospital stay but 15 more than two months ago.  That means I have lost and regained 33 pounds in six months.  What would have happened if I didn't backslide, a full 33 pound loss maybe?  I'd accept five.  Anything to keep me away from larger clothes.  

Here's my commitment to you:  I will post here at least once a day, with notes about what I'm doing to stay motivated and updates on my progress.  And here's where you come in:  if you see me eating McDonald's, slap that shit out of my mouth.  I can do this and you're going to watch me.  Cause I know you like to watch.