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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Why I'm doing this


I wish that I had a down and out story to plead for help from or a great success to share but I’m in the middle of the road.  I work in call centers, a sedentary job, and have for 10 years.  I have progressed to the point of being a Director for many sites across the country.  I would say I have a satisfying career; I’m not on disability, Medicare, anything like that. 

My problem is that it’s not going to last, because of my weight.  I saw an episode of Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition with a young man who lost several hundred pounds and when I saw it, I broke down into tears.  I am that young man, now going thru what I expect is a mid-life crisis since I doubt I will live past 50.  I weigh in excess of 650 pounds, have been hospitalized twice with blood clots in my legs, have hypertension, sleep apnea, and nerve damage in my legs, all caused by my weight. 

In my job, I’m truly dedicated, getting promoted on average, once a year.  I cannot translate this to my personal life.  I cannot walk more than 10 minutes without being out of breath and having massive leg pain so I use that an excuse for not exercising.  I work on average 70 hours a week so I use that as an excuse for not eating healthy.  I make excuses for a lot of things in my home life.

My job requires Business Casual dress so that means I have to wear slacks and a collared shirt.  Did you know they make 10X shirts and size 90 pants?  I guess I’m lucky but they sure don’t make an 11Xx so I don’t know how much longer I can go.  I am expected to travel to my sites once a year but I can barely fit thru an airplane door on the commuter planes that go in and out of Abilene.  When I do get on, I rub both seats walking down the aisle and need two seatbelt extenders and have to buy both seats. 

I’m scared.  I’m scared of losing my job due to my weight.  If that happens, I will lose my truck, my home, my wife.  Oh did I forget to mention I was married?  A beautiful girl I met at work, also overweight, she has some of the same struggles I do with clothes and health.  But if I lose my job and cannot support us, I’ll lose it all.  And the sad thing is, I KNOW all this, it’s like going swimming with a chum belt in shark infested waters.  It’s inevitable, I’m going to get bit, and I just cannot stop myself.  I know that I have to exercise; I know that I have to change my lifestyle and I’ve tried.  I stopped smoking in February, cold turkey, have eliminated almost all soft drinks from my diet and saw an weight loss from 683 in my last hospital stay to 665 in less than a month.  But I could not stay motivated, work picked up, I got another promotion and late night pizza and cheeseburgers came rumbling back.

I don’t know what I’m expecting from this blog, maybe just some kind words and another “Get up and Active” speech that my doctors and family give me.  I wouldn’t expect anything more, since I cannot expect anything more from myself. 

I am supposed to be relocating for work to Fort Lauderdale, FL soon.  I expect it will get better there, right?  

4 comments:

  1. My Dearest, Most Precious Little Brother...you know that's how I think of you and always will. My heart is heavy with thoughts of you all the time. You are an incredible, intelligent man. You have an awesome sense of humor and a precious, loving heart. You are the best brother and uncle in the world. You love my children the way I always hoped you would. I think about you and your health daily. I would do anything I could to help you but I do not know what to do. I cannot imagine life without you. Just the thought of you being so far away in Florida saddens me. I think of when you were hospitalized...we had some really great talks. I had to see you every day just to make sure you were going to be alright. No matter how far you move away, I will always be here for you. I am so proud of you for your decision to stop smoking and for going through with it. That is a feat not many people can conquer. You have the willpower and determination to get your life on track. You just need the guidance and the tools to do it and I wish I had those for you. For now, you have my love, faith and prayers. I believe you can change your life. I need you to change your life because I need you to continue to be a part of my life. That sounds selfish but it’s true. It’s not very often that I admit I need someone but you are very important to me. You are a part of me. You’re my pretend friend who came alive. I have cared for you, played with you, talked with you, comforted you, raised you, shared birthday cakes with you, watched you grow up, attended your wedding, became your friend…there’s so much more waiting for you. You have so much more life left to live. Please, for me, our family, my kids, Angela but most of all for yourself, become the man you want to be, that God intended you to be. Tell us what you need, tell us how to help. I would take all of this pain away and make it mine if I could to just give you a few moments of peace. I know you’ve struggled, much more than you’ve let anyone know. I know you can make these changes, Tommy. I’m only a phone call away. I love you more than I can ever express on here. ~Tammy

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  2. I know for a fact if you put your mind to it you can do anything.

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  3. Thank you Tammy, I know you are always in my corner, I'm sorry for causing you pain.

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