I started blogging for myself, to keep myself accountable, so I can have a record of what I am going thru so I can go back when needed to either remind myself how far I've come or help with a specific struggle. Somehow it, and me, has changed; somehow I started writing FOR other people, thinking what others might want to know or hear, not what is in my heart.
In the past four weeks I have lost 27 pounds, a mere 4% of my body weight; and during that whole time I have smiled, laughed, and made light of it. It's just a thing, "EAT LESS, MOVE MORE" right? Yes, it's easy. For some. For me, it's not. I'm trying to untrain 30+ years of psychology with no professional or pharmacological help and it's not easy. I'm having trouble, everyday.
- Every day I want to eat, alot.
- Every day I want to smoke.
- Every day I want to stay inside.
- Every day I want to stop.
- Every day I want to give up.
Yeah, I've made some changes, I'm up to 37 days without a cigarette, I no longer eat out everyday, and I can tie my own shoes. But what have I NOT done?
- I have not made exercised as much as I should.
- I have not made the best food choices.
- I have not enjoyed this, not one minute.
- I have not gone a day without some sort of personal breakdown.
So yes; I'm a liar, a brave face. I'm not doing good and I'm tired of saying I am. I suppose the weight gain this week woke me up. This is not the first disappointment I've suffered in my life, far from it. And in the grand scheme of things, I'm still 27 pounds closer to my goal and over a fourth of the way to my first hundred pound loss. So it's going to get better, I just need to do me.
After this one, I will not share my Blog on Facebook for a while. If anyone wants to read it, they can come to me or subscribe to it; I'm doing this for me again. I HAVE TO POST MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK. This is cathartic for me and helps me stay focused so I'm going to focus on me for a while.