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Monday, June 11, 2012

I lied

You know every once in a while when you KNOW someone isn't telling the truth?  I'm thinking of Nixon, OJ, or Clinton level of lying.  Yeah, that's me for the past month.  Everyone has advice and motivational quotes to throw out there; of course it's easy to tell others what THEY need to do isn't it?  It's alot harder to live it day in day out and keep a positive front.

I started blogging for myself, to keep myself accountable, so I can have a record of what I am going thru so I can go back when needed to either remind myself how far I've come or help with a specific struggle.   Somehow it, and me, has changed; somehow I started writing FOR other people, thinking what others might want to know or hear, not what is in my heart.

In the past four weeks I have lost 27 pounds, a mere 4% of my body weight; and during that whole time I have smiled, laughed, and made light of it.  It's just a thing, "EAT LESS, MOVE MORE" right?  Yes, it's easy.  For some.  For me, it's not.  I'm trying to untrain 30+ years of psychology with no professional or pharmacological help and it's not easy.  I'm having trouble, everyday.

  • Every day I want to eat, alot.  
  • Every day I want to smoke.  
  • Every day I want to stay inside.
  • Every day I want to stop.
  • Every day I want to give up.
Yeah, I've made some changes, I'm up to 37 days without a cigarette, I no longer eat out everyday, and I can tie my own shoes.  But what have I NOT done?
  • I have not made exercised as much as I should.
  • I have not made the best food choices.
  • I have not enjoyed this, not one minute.
  • I have not gone a day without some sort of personal breakdown.
So yes; I'm a liar, a brave face.  I'm not doing good and I'm tired of saying I am.  I suppose the weight gain this week woke me up.  This is not the first disappointment I've suffered in my life, far from it.  And in the grand scheme of things, I'm still 27 pounds closer to my goal and over a fourth of the way to my first hundred pound loss.  So it's going to get better, I just need to do me.  

After this one, I will not share my Blog on Facebook for a while.  If anyone wants to read it, they can come to me or subscribe to it; I'm doing this for me again.  I HAVE TO POST MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK.  This is cathartic for me and helps me stay focused so I'm going to focus on me for a while. 


  1. You are doing fantastic--it is HARD. As a blogger, I completely understand what you mean, and you're right, you need to focus on you, what you need to do, and being honest with yourself.

    But don't let yourself be defeated! This is an uphill battle. 85 pounds later, I still struggle. I still have days where I find myself snacking when I shouldn't be. I make excuses not to workout. I miss days--I have even missed whole weeks of exercise.

    You got this! And we got your back!

    "Peace I leave with you. My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." --John 14:27

    "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and of love and of self-discipline." --2 Timothy 1:7

    Be proud of what you've accomplished, and stick with it. The difficulty is there to prove to you you're doing something worth doing! :-D

  2. a "mere" 4% is not anything to call mere, in my opinion but it's not my opinion that really matters here. You have to do this for you, and it is not going to be easy, but you can do it. The same way you could eat McDonalds every day, you can eat healthier everyday. The way you could watch TV for hours every day, you can do other things. But you are right, it's 30 years you have to unravel and rebuild. A phoenix of sorts. In regards to us, the friends and supporters, that is what we are. We are here for what you need when you need it. But seriously, you need to stop beating yourself up. Embrace your victories and embrace what you view as failures and move forward. That's it. That's all you can do. Love ya.