Consistency

So I had a great weekend and headed into this Monday feeling really good.  My biggest problem is going to be staying on track.  I get bored easy and sometimes think I have ADHD (it's like ADD but I get better reception).  

To stay up on this, I have asked for some coworkers to walk with me during the week and am still meal planning.  Going to hit the bulk store tomorrow and get stuff for the week.  Unfortunately I started this without shopping first so I've been portion controlling bad choices.  Can't bring myself to throw away a bunch of boxes of pasta, white rice, and betty crockers; just not in my nature I guess.  Now I get to buy a bunch of veggies and make some special things like ratatouille, veggie lasagna, and spaghetti squash pasta.  

Now I just need to convince myself to breakout the grill and put some char marks on these dern things!  

It has begun

For those you friends with me on Facebook you already know I had a good week.  I've restarted my journey to become a better person and a thinner one to boot.  I'm limiting my portion sizes, eliminated all soda and fast food from my diet and am not eating after 9pm.  I've also starting drinking alot of water and had a water cooler installed at work----------------------------------------------------------------------->

With these changes I feel better and am sleeping a little better at night and on my weekly weigh-in today I had lost an initial 17.2 pounds.  Normally I would get super excited but I have to temper my emotions and expectations.  I've lost this much before, I've been here before, I've thought I was going to succeed before.

There are two big differences in my experience this time and I'd like to share with you both of them and hope that you understand how important they both are to me and this whole thing.

1. My wife.  She is my best friend and this time around we're finally on the same page.  Over the years one or the other of us has decided it was time to change or tried to make a difference and it always failed because we let the other drag us down.  This week she lost her job and spent most of her time around the house yet she ate what I prepared, worked out when I worked out and this morning she had lost nine pounds.  The look on her face was priceless; a smile that made everything worthwhile. She's one of the reasons I'm doing this, because I want to grow old with her and I'm going to do it this time!

2.  And while this is number 2 it's the most important part of all of this.  My relationship with God is leading the way.  For the many people who have known me for the past 10 years, it's going to be a shock, I've been astray for a long time.  For my family and longtime friends, you may be asking yourself "What took you so long?"  All I can say is I'm glad that the Lord is full of grace and forgiveness.  I've come back into his arms and feel so much better about myself and my life than I have in a long time.  I'm giving him all the credit for everything!  I'm going to church as often as I can and am going to get involved in some men's ministry things and maybe even a life group.  I'll see if I can make some friends IRL outside of work, that'd be new, huh?

To sum it up, I'm doing real well but I know I can't do it alone.  My wife, my God, my friends, my job - everything is going to have to come together to make sure I keep it up!  This is the beginning, this is where I get it done!

Don't let them in

Look inside at the man I may be
Listen closely to the words I withhold
Forgive the spectacle of what you see
Love without pause if you are so bold

I'm not afraid of what I am
Only scared of where I'm headed
The one you know is surely a sham
What I show, purposely clouded

Everyday I lie to you
Everyday you don't police
You accept the air I blew
I, the Morbid Obese.

How can I let you in
You who decides what is good
How can I let you win
You never ask why but you should

Guard of mine, you're never down
Hold back the throng
Of men that want my soul to drown
Back in front where you belong

Don't let them in
Don't let them see
Don't let them win
Don't give them any

It's time to grow
Time to release
This is an echo
Of the Morbid Obese.

I will not hide nor lie again
To use my weight an excuse so wrong
To keep you out now and then
I need you now is my heart's song

Don't let me push you away
Don't let me hide
Don't pretend my hate holds sway
Don't let me backslide

Make me talk about it
Ask me questions
I'm too proud to quit
And now taking actions

I'll let you in
I'll let you see
I'll let you win
I need you dearly

Better days are surely ahead
These awful thoughts will someday cease
My future is sunny and bright instead
I'll no longer be Morbid Obese.

REMIX

By popular demand and a dose of good sense, I have changed the name of my blog from "The New Me" to "Too Big To Fail".  This means a lot more to me because it doesn't reflect that I'm done, but reminds me of where I'm going.  Since even if I mess up one day or one week, it doesn't mean I've failed, just that I need to get back on track.

Something bugging me right now is blisters, and it's hard to even stand on them, let alone walk but when I look back in my blog files from last year, the same thing happened:  blisters the first week, awesome the second.

To celebrate this new direction and positive attitude, I'm going to present you with the transcript of a recent therapy session.  This is called the Eliza Test and is available at http://chayden.net/eliza/Eliza.html  It's a computer program designed to mimic a Rogerian therapist by using natural language.  I go to this site whenever I'm feeling blue or melancholy and it never fails to either make me laugh or feel better.

>> Hello.
How do you do.  Please state your problem.
>> I'm having trouble staying motivated.
Is it because you are having trouble staying motivated  that you came to me ?
>> yes.
You seem to be quite positive.
>> I am.
How long have you been  ?
>> How long have I been what, positive?
Why do you ask ?
>> cause you confused me.
Why do you think I confused you ?
>> cause i'm confused.
Do you believe it is normal to be confused  ?
>> sometimes.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> welcome to the club.
Please go on.
>> you confused me, i confused you, we're even.
You like to think I confused you -- don't you ?
>> only when it's true.
Does that question interest you ?
>> no?
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> ok, I'm sorry.
Do you enjoy being sorry  ?
>> NO!
Why not ?
>> cause I'm not.
Is it because you are not  that you came to me ?
>> No, I came to you for motivational help.
Why 'no' ?
>> cause it's not why
What is it you really wanted to know ?
>> Why do I hate the things I do yet do them anyway?
Are such questions much on your mind ?
>> all the time
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that I need direction, a higher purpose
What would it mean to you if you got direction  ?
>> That I would be able to go somewhere
You say that you would be able to go somewhere  ?
>> yes, i want to be somebody.
I see.
>> I want people to be proud of me and not ashamed
Why do you want people to be proud of you and not ashamed  ?
>> doesn't everybody?
Realy, everybody ?
>> most people.
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> why not
What answer would please you most ?
>> "I love you"
Perhaps in your fantasies we love each other.
>> perhaps.
You don't seem quite certain.
>> neither do you
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> I think we were discussing us
Can you elaborate on that ?
>> forget it.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> again, welcome
Please go on.
>> I think we're done
Do you say you think we're done  for some special reason ?
>> cause you don't understand me
What makes you think I don't understand you ?
>> you said it
Oh, I said it  ?
>> yes
I understand.
>> thank fully
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you understand?
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> am I
Do you believe you are  ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> no
Why not ?
>> cause i'm answering your bloody questions!
How long have you been answering my bloody questions  ?
>> days it seems
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> ok, for real we're done.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> who's on first?
Please go on.

Too Big To Fail

This has been one of the best weekends in a long time.  I didn't DO anything special, I just made the commitments to myself that I needed. I spent four hours cooking up meals for the week so I won't be tempted to stop for fast food.  I crossed my ninth day without smoking and I was able to weigh myself and got a sweaty walk in for the first time since moving to Florida.

Somehow it feels different this time; and I think church is what's caused the difference.  Having the spiritual support now really helps me see the finish line.  Knowing that God made me in his image then I screwed it up is a great motivator!  I'm so happy right now, even though I've got new blisters I'm just enjoying life and everything in it.

One of the best things that happened was that I talked wife into letting me get another tattoo, I just have to lose 100 pounds first.  So there it is, something tangible besides "I want to lose weight", I have a specific goal in front of me (buying clothes at stores other than Big & Tall is a two or three project).  I'm thinking I can lose 100 pounds by August 13, I'm giving myself 90 days to lose it so I've got to get on it!!!

Better start thinking of what I want now, the Batman logo or my custom iWFM logo?  

BTW - To keep me honest, I'll post weekly weigh-ins, today: 670.2

Se7en

I got a letter from my little brother today.  He's in a Texas prison and I haven't talked to him in almost two years.  His letter made me realize how self-absorbed I've become; I haven't even sent him a postcard in all this time.  Thinking about him brought alot of other stuff up.  I'm ashamed of things I've done or haven't done.  The subject of this blog has been on my mind ever since I started back to church.

James 5:16 says "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

• Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
• I consider myself to be a very smart person and something that I have struggled with for years is reconciling what I KNOW with what the Bible teaches.  I had convinced myself that I didn't need God or Jesus because I was so smart that I could explain everything and didn't need faith

• Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
• Not even hard to identify, I'm jealous of you guys with a single cab truck or those of you who seem to go thru life so easily.  Every time I see someone running I crave that so much, even to the point of thinking and planning how I would spend my wishes if I found a genie.  I know in my head I'm in this position because of my own faults but I still desire what you have.  

• Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
• Anyone surprised by this?  I'm not.  The fact that I have been spending a THOUSAND dollars a month eating out should be the first clue.  Doing my budget this week has really opened my eyes to something that certainly isn't helping, I'll show you a portion to a specific place and believe me when I tell you the below image is both shocking and depressing, I'm so ashamed.  (Keep in mind this is just a record from my debit card, who knows how much I spent in cash there). 

• Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
• Sure I've lusted, the only problem is that most of the time it involved food.  Eating would give me satisfaction, even more than sex.  Somehow I have perverted food into something that I desire more than my wife.  And that's not an indictment on her, it's on me.  I'm disgusting, I know.

• Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
• Anger is something I've dealt with all my life.  I've scared strangers, children, my wife and myself with how mad I can get so quickly.  It's like I snap, I become a different person and I know that it comes from not having enough healthy habits in my life to show me how to deal with something constructively.  Something I've never admitted is I get mad about food.  Like if someone gets my order wrong at the drive-thru, I've thrown it back at them and other similarly embarrassing and degrading things that should not define who I am. 

• Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
• This one is hard for me because to the outsider, I've very generous.  I'll pay for things when out with people, I'll refuse to be "owed" anything and am a very good tipper.  The problem is it's a front, it's a form of Pride for me, I want to LOOK like a generous person when on the inside I'm hoarding my cash like Scrooge McDuck.  Something that's especially hard is tithing to church, convincing myself to give hundreds of dollars instead of saving it for an emergency (like nachos) is really going to take some work.

• Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
• Again, not a surprise, I'm lazy.  My best friend is the TV and my lover is the DVR.  I know in my brain that I have to get up and get active but my body says no, the excuses take over and I don't do anything.  Something I'm trying to do is cancel our Cable so I won't be tempted but my wife is fighting it (if you know her, send her a message and tell her I need this).  
• There so many things I could do that I'm not:
• parking further away from the door
• taking the stairs 
• use the free fitness equipment at my apartment
• go talk to people instead of emailing
• I personally know this to be the most important thing that I need to fix, I'm doing pretty good on the eating right now and will continue that, but I need activities and I'll work on the Pride thing too, I'll ask for help:  Will you help me?  I need someone to go walking with, someone to encourage me to get off my butt more often, someone to show up when I'm feeling down and someone to kick my butt when I think it's time to quit.  I asked this before and it worked for a bit but moving put a damper on things.  Previous Post

OK, that's done and I feel better.  If anything in this blog scared you, disgusted you, encouraged you, worried you or whatever, please let me know.  You can leave a comment here or find me on Facebook under Thomas Morgan aka Iceman.T.Morg or follow me on Twitter @Thimecules

BTW - What's in the box?

Rebirth

re·birth

   [ree-burth, ree-burth]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a new or second birth: the rebirth of the soul.

2.

a renewed existence, activity, or growth; renaissance orrevival: the rebirth of conservatism.

Yesterday I had what some would call an epiphany or realization.  I had a moment of clarity, a decision, a determination that I cannot continue.  It's time for this blog to reach it's true purpose, to showcase the new me. One of the problems I had before was all I did was claim I was new, I didn't go through the process.  And to begin with, I need a rebirth: a renewed existence.  Metaphorically of course, I have no desire to be pushed through a birth canal again.  What I mean is I need a spark, a moment, something I can point to and say, that was it, that the time I started over.  Getting hospitalized is not it, that was not optional. Deciding to quit smoking the first time wasn't it, that was a choice.  I need my moment.

Tonight I got out of my chair and put my shoes on, walked out the door into the pouring rain and went to the gym.  I wish I could say I worked my butt off but alas, I got winded on the way there.  Plus I couldn't see.  Once there I put 50 pounds on the the overhead bar and did 100 pull-downs.  I think that's the name of it, I've never been one for knowing what an exercise is called.  It was this machine:

After that I tried to use the stationary bike but couldn't get it going, the pedals were too close together and I'm not built for that angle.  Guess that puts an end to my desire for a bike.  At least it means I don't have to want one for a while.  Finally I went to the sauna and steamed for a half hour, got all hot and sweaty (imagine Fat Bastard from Austin Powers:  "GET IN MY BELLY").  Then I walked home.  

It was during this walk home that I had this rebirth idea, the cold rain washing over me felt fresh, I felt new.  I felt like this could the moment when I change everything.  I loved it, I haven't purposefully walked in the rain in over 20 years and here I was, laughing my ass off coming home.  It's the real deal now, I'm making the commitment to myself, screw you guys, it's not for anyone else, but me.

Here's my list of things I'm committing to doing, and I will be updating this list as it happens:

1. Watch less than one hour or less of television per day, I'll start by deleting my DVR settings of some shows that I watch but could do without:  Bones, House, 2 Broke Girls, Merlin, Dual Survivor, Castle, Psych, Awake, America the Wild, Rules of Engagement, NYC 22, Wicked Tuna.  (Is anyone else surprised  I'm in the shape I'm in keeping up with that much TV?)  I'll keep a couple of my favorites:  Swamp People and Big Bang Theory as a reward but will not sit down as soon as I get home to watch them.

2.  Earlier in this post I alluded to getting out of my chair and going to walk.  Why do I have a chair?  Why did I spend $400 on something to sit my fat ass on?  If I don't have the chair, I can't sit.  If I can't sit, I have to get up.  Reminds me of Jim Jefferies: NSFW - LANGUAGE  I'm going to get rid of my chair, either sell or donate but it's gone.  Anyone want a brown microfiber chair and a half?

3.  Weekly weigh-ins.  Last year I was so looking forward to my weigh-ins to check my progress, I would make special trips to the gym on my day off.  I have used the excuse that I can't find one here as a reason to ignore it.  But here's the catch, every weight loss surgeon in the area has a scale that will work for me and let me use it for free.  One guy in particular has already told me even if I'm not interested in surgery he would like to talk to me so I'm going to weigh-in tomorrow and will publish the result, even if it's scary (which I'm pretty sure it will be). 

4.  Positive attitude.  Last night's post was full of excuses and self-pity.  That's not helpful or healthy.  I am going to be s ray of sunshine, I'm going to stop dwelling on the negative and will become a YES! MAN.  No longer will I deny something because I'm depressed or worried about being the fattest person in the room. (I'm already the biggest SOB in the state of Florida, why try to hide?)  

So as you can see, I rambled quite a bit again but that's my style.  I'm going to do better, I'm going to fix this or die trying.  I'm not content to die without effort!   Besides, no one wants to come to my funeral and stare as a refrigerator size casket, do they?  Good night and tomorrow is a new day and the new me is looking forward to it!!!

Failure

Have you ever failed?  Have you ever stopped doing the right thing?  Have you ever wanted to do right and didn't?  I can answer yes to all three, every day.

13 months ago I was in the hospital and thought I was going to die.  The reason?  Cause I'm morbidly obese, didn't exercise, smoked a pack a day and did nothing but go to work and come home.  I had a pulmonary embolism, a clot in my lungs.  This occurred less than a month after being promoted to Director; my career was on track, my personal life was rotten.  When I got out of the hospital I stopped smoking and decided to change my life.  You can go see my FaceBook to validate.  I was on top of the world!!!!

I was careful, I counted calories, started walking everyday, stopped smoking and was able to see myself having a family someday.  Another opportunity came up late that summer, I was being offered a position in South Florida, the company would pay for the move, I just needed to go there and do the same job for them.  Who wouldn't jump at that?  Was it implied that if I didn't that it would be bad for my career?  Sure.  But when your company wants you to go, you go.  So here I am, 20 minutes from the beach, 20 minutes from the Everglades, finally out from under a house that I hated, making more money than I ever have in my life and I'm miserable.

Miserable because I'm a failure.  Once I stopped seeing everyone that I knew and cared for, I stopped caring for myself.  Since they couldn't hold me accountable, I figured it wouldn't hurt to slow down on some of the stuff.  In fact, why not just go back to the easy life? OK!  There is a smoking patio 50 feet from my office and I'm out there again.  I'm back up to a pack a day.  No, it's not anyone's fault, it's mine.  I'm gaining weight because all I do is go back and forth from the office and my apartment.  I've been to the beach twice in four months and both times I sat and just watched people.  My apartment has three pools; I've been twice.  We have a high quality fitness center with machines, weights, and a sauna; I've been once.

Excuses, always excuses:  My back hurts so I can't walk.  I am sick of myself.  I have to change again.  I'm sick of not being able to stand through a church service (only thing going right for me is that I joined a church with Angela and we're going together).  It's official, I'm a failure and cannot be counted on to make permanent changes in my life.  I just don't have the will power alone.  I need help.  I'm going to be praying more often, I'm going to be asking for help, I'm going to need some help.  Why can't I do it alone?  Because I'm always alone and I'm tired of it.

Why I don't get along with dogs

As you know, I have a thing for cats.

they are independent, don't need to be walked, clean themselves

and in some cases, ring door bells, use a laptop or play guitar

But some of you may ask, "Didn't you have a dog for a bit?"

Yes, I did.

But it didn't work out.

not since that fateful day in 1986

My stepfather loved dogs

we had a little one-eyed mutt named Petey, he was a great dog

went everywhere with me, used to chase tadpoles in puddles and would never bark

unfortunately, Petey had some dog sickness, probably DAIDs

and he passed away while I was at school

my stepfather was at work

he received a call about Petey and knew how heartbroken I would be and decided to  "fix" the issue

so Dad went out to a friend’s house and picked up his dog that he was trying to give away

now for context, I was 7 years old

i was big for my age and Petey was part lab/part heeler, not a small dog but didn't scare me either

we would wrestle in the yard, in fact it was wrestling with Petey that gave me  two scars on my leg, I'll show you if you want, four inch crescent shaped scars

he loved chicken bones

but didn't clean up after himself

and chicken bones hurt when you fall on them

Twice.

so I was used to this, my buddy

my pal

My only friend.

so rushing to get finished before I came home, Dad buried Petey in the alley  and put this new dog in the yard

unfortunately, we didn't have a real good fence and our new dog got out

*got out

he was very big

in fact, he was a Tawny boxer, you can see a similar animal here

http://www.boxer-dogs-secrets.com/images/boxer-ready-to-play.jpg

My stepfather didn't know his name, just that he only responded to Spanish instructions

so we decided to call him "Rocoso"

and since he was such a big dog and would get out there was only one solution

god forbid we fix the fence

Dad chained the dog out

now, as you can imagine, 7 years old introvert more comfortable with books  than people, I was intimidated

Here I go, walking outside to play with my new dog, chained and confined to a 20 foot circle

at first it's fine, he licks my hand

then rolls over

I’m laughing because even though my heart is broken, I can see the future, a bright  future, me and Rocoso

now, time goes on, me standing at the edge of a well-worn circle, petting, playing  with Rocoso, but still vigilant

looking back now, I can tell, I was standing at the edge of manhood, deciding if  it was time to venture forth, to take a risk, to open my heart again

one day I decide it's time

unfortunately it was the day after a large rain

and any of you familiar with Texas know that rain makes mud and mud makes  the ground soft and soft ground means that posts and poles don't always stay in

but I was young, I never thought about it

I finished my Count Chocula cereal, drank the milk and ran outside, pausing to  only change from my batman pajamas to jean shorts

i edge up to Rocoso

he's lying down, not at the edge of the circle like always

but in the center

inviting me in

daring me in

i look into his dark, tejano eyes and see nothing

no fear, no anger, no anticipation

I take a step inside the circle

and it seems as if the world has stopped

there are no birds singing, the wind dies, no sounds

my heart hammering in my chest the only thing in the world

another step, and he moves

twitching his stub of a tail

just a fraction of an inch but I see it

What does it mean?

is he wagging his tail to play

is he warning me off

resolved, I know that if I'm ever going to get back to the love I had for Petey,  I have to do this

two steps, an ear wiggle

another step, his leg twitches

he's not steadying himself to pounce

he's not steeling himself to attack

I convince myself

he's cold

it rained

he's on the ground

*ground

i would be cold

there is a quilt next to him

dirty, matted with leaves

and since he's not on it

yet cold, I assumed there is only one plausible solution

Rocoso wants to be covered up with the quilt

What a novel idea.

I will be his hero, his guardian, the bringer of warmth

how could he not love me

grasping this golden truth, I rush forward, in my haste I notice his chain

it barely registers that the pole in the ground, isn't

I grab the quilt and twirl it around my head like a magician!

ABRA-CADABRA

I know this will work

he raises up on his front paws

and the dirty, wet, stinking quilt

lands on his back

covering him from head to tail

It looks like a pillow under there, how warm he must be!

but then

then I heard it

the growl

the growl that I have heard in my dreams for the last 25 years

the growl that even now, reminds me of cold, still death

the pillow moves

towards me

i take a step back

it moves again, two steps back

then it happens

Rocoso comes flying out from under the quilt

and the only thing I remember about his face is the absurd leaves stuck to his jowls

i laugh

knowing it's the laugh of the dead

I turn and run yet the ground is wet

I know that if I reach the edge of the circle I'm OK

that circle of worn earth that has been my haven for these many months

my protector, my only hope

I fall to one knee

i hear the chain jingling, I'm eight feet from the circle

i jump up

and fall again

face first in the mud I know I have one shot left, the ground is pounding

i hear him

the heavy growl, the breathing, the slap of his paws in the mud

summoning strength and speed I never knew existed I scrambled away

I feel his hot breath on my legs

no no no no no no no no no

a snap

he misses

by the slimmest of margins I make it

I’m lying just over the circle, crying now, unabashedly

somehow the rest of my life will never be this intense

I will never feel as alive and dead at the same time

i roll over, unable to see the clouds for the tears in my eyes

and then

that's when a shadow crossed over my face, blotting out the sky

DAD!

he's come to save me

i wipe my eyes, look up and all I see is bared fangs of a dog intent on never  being subjected to my cruelty again

there is no hope

but I have to try

if I can get to the swing set, I can climb the slide

rolling over like a soldier in a bullet ridden trench, I roll over the chain,  tangling myself in it

the stake pole digging into my back

it's all I can do to bring myself to my knees

and then he hits me

jumping on me from behind, driving me to the ground, the fury of 100lbs of  canine is no match

I’m screaming, who cares who hears me

I’m dying, who cares who saves me

I am undone

then silence

overshadowed by the sounds of my screams and the blood pounding in my ears,  was the gunshot

Rocoso lies at my side

staring into my eyes

I see his life draining from him, his vigor disappearing

Why not me!

why this beautiful animal

my stepfather comes quickly to my side

and pries my arms from around this cold dead killer

he gathers me up, a muddy, bloody, crying heap of a boy

and takes me instead

he's gone for a while this time, while I rock myself to sleep

I don't venture outside for days, waiting I suppose for all the dogs in the  world to leave me alone

And then. Dad

my Dad, the man sworn to protect me,

asks me to go outside

tells me he has something for me

i shake my head

no no

not again

but come on, Tommy, it's OK, no one is going to hurt you

remembering the strength it took to step inside the circle, I know I have to

i step out the door

and there

in the yard

with no chain

nothing between him and me

my dad bought me a goat

Oh Happy Day

It's been a good day.  It started with getting to work super early and getting some work done that I normally leave for the afternoon.  It was nice to be able to focus on something without alot of distractions.  I haven't been hungry today so I will now list for you my meals:  pop-tart, banana, cheese stick (2), celery, trail mix, tilapia, corn, peas.  About 1200 calories, and I feel great!  And you know what else?  This evening I walked for a full half hour, over two miles!

And to top it all off:  it doesn't even stop there.  I have been invited to publish my blog on www.truthinchange.com, a site created and maintained by James Garrison from ABC's Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition.  This is amazing; I have been posting for just a few days and he wants me to help build the community of bloggers, helping and supporting each other and I cannot wait.  Not only will I have the opportunity to share my journey with more people, I will have the unique honor of inspiring them, perhaps someday I can change someone's life like James has changed mine.  I'll let everyone know the new link when established but go ahead and head over there now to join the site and register.  He has forums, a Q&A and some great recipes!

Motivation

This weekend, I went to North Texas.  Spent time with the in-laws at their farm/ranch.  I helped feed cattle a couple of times, hauling 50lb sacks of feed from truck to trough.  It wasn't far but it made me feel good, that I could do that.  I saw the me I could be, the me I want to be.  I know I'm doing the right thing, I just wish it wasn't so hard.  I guess that's my problem, I spent too much time wishing for things to change rather than working for it.  No more, I have to do this right. 

When I got home and checked the mail, I got a reminder of this.  I received a wristband from James Garrison@ http://truthinchange.com/ This wristband is going to serve as two things:  1) daily reminder of what I'm doing and 2) of how I got this; a contest where 7+ of my friends posted for me, proving that they do care about me.  I'm going to wear this everyday, and someday it will fit.  As I lose, hopefully my wrist shrinks too ;)  

On payday this week, I'm going to pick up some cardio stuff I can do at home, things that will raise my heart rate even when I can't walk.  I'm thinking a shake weight, thoughts? 

Harvester

My life is upside down yet upside is the only thing I have left
I have scoured the depths of despair and come back wanting
Without a silver lining, the clouds bring respite not
Even as it glitters, the gold in front of me has betrayed itself
I sample the fruits of my labor yet cannot be succored
Heaven's mercies rain upon the unwilling

First time dining out on new diet

Since I began this journey, I have eaten every meal either carefully bought at the store with an eye towards the label or prepared at home by me.  Due to the holiday we are visiting family and not only ate lunch on the road, we went to my favorite restaurant for supper. (And yes, for all you Northerners, it's "supper"; dinner is ate at noon!)

So I don't think I'm ready for this this, I have not been able to prove my self control yet, this will be a new temptation for me.  We pull up at Sonic and I hungrily eye the double meat, double cheese with bacon burger and chili fries.  Oh, and how about a milkshake to wash it down?  Yum!  I push the little red button with glee and to my surprise, this is one of the new Sonic's, where the button lights up to indicate it's been pressed and all I can see is a big red stop light, telling myself to STOP!

The disembodied voice comes across, the voice that expanded a thousand waists, "May I help you?"  And rolling off my tongue is "Grilled Chicken Sandwich, please".  I am stunned!  I did it!  While I know you purists out there are going to give me grief about eating anything prepared by the devil, I honestly think I made due with the best choice available (I mean, I could have had a salad, but have you ever tried eating a salad and driving?  Not gonna happen.)  I'm claiming this as a victory, because I am watching what I eat, I am recording my meals, paying attention to my intake.  Bite a hard one, I won.

Now we spend the day with friends and it's time to go out with family for supper.  I'm thinking they will pick a place I'm not crazy about, somewhere it will be easy to eat light and build on the success from lunch.  Maybe a Chinese place where I can get a lot of veggies, or even a sammich shop for a few slices of turkey.  Do they do that?  NO!  We end up at TEXAS ROADHOUSE!  Have you ever been to this place?  They herd you in like cattle, peanut shells litter the floor, a glass case is presented with 10 cuts of steaks you can choose from and at your table, before you even sit down there is a can of peanuts and a basket of rolls with cinnamon butter.  I'M GONNA DIE!

Slowly I turn from the dinner party and hit the bathroom, suddenly sick to my stomach, thinking of how much damage I'm about to do to myself when I realize, I mean, really say out loud:  "It's not over."  I wash my face, head to the table and engage in the conversation.  I do eat one roll, maybe out of nerves, maybe habit, probably lack of will power and look at the menu.  Longingly I gaze at the 16 ounce rib-eyes, the loaded baked potatoes, barbecue baby back ribs.  The waitress appears and I ask to go last, I'd rather not go at all, SKIP ME, SKIP ME!  I order a crispy chicken salad, a paltry 670 calories compared to the 2200 from what I would normally consume at such a place.

The best part?  I didn't even eat the whole salad, I have half left for breakfast!  And the moral of the story?  Don't go out to eat!  No seriously, that was the most stressful thing I've done all week and that includes making decisions about other people's employment future.  Today's total:  2,800 calories, the fourth highest of the week (but also the fourth lowest!)  I know I haven't been doing this long, not nearly as long as some of my new friends at www.sparkpeople.com but I think I can do this.  It's going to take a long time.  It took me 32 years to get this way, and I'm going to fix it, even if it takes another 32!!!