Why I don't get along with dogs

As you know, I have a thing for cats.

they are independent, don't need to be walked, clean themselves

and in some cases, ring door bells, use a laptop or play guitar

But some of you may ask, "Didn't you have a dog for a bit?"

Yes, I did.

But it didn't work out.

not since that fateful day in 1986

My stepfather loved dogs

we had a little one-eyed mutt named Petey, he was a great dog

went everywhere with me, used to chase tadpoles in puddles and would never bark

unfortunately, Petey had some dog sickness, probably DAIDs

and he passed away while I was at school

my stepfather was at work

he received a call about Petey and knew how heartbroken I would be and decided to  "fix" the issue

so Dad went out to a friend’s house and picked up his dog that he was trying to give away

now for context, I was 7 years old

i was big for my age and Petey was part lab/part heeler, not a small dog but didn't scare me either

we would wrestle in the yard, in fact it was wrestling with Petey that gave me  two scars on my leg, I'll show you if you want, four inch crescent shaped scars

he loved chicken bones

but didn't clean up after himself

and chicken bones hurt when you fall on them

Twice.

so I was used to this, my buddy

my pal

My only friend.

so rushing to get finished before I came home, Dad buried Petey in the alley  and put this new dog in the yard

unfortunately, we didn't have a real good fence and our new dog got out

*got out

he was very big

in fact, he was a Tawny boxer, you can see a similar animal here

http://www.boxer-dogs-secrets.com/images/boxer-ready-to-play.jpg

My stepfather didn't know his name, just that he only responded to Spanish instructions

so we decided to call him "Rocoso"

and since he was such a big dog and would get out there was only one solution

god forbid we fix the fence

Dad chained the dog out

now, as you can imagine, 7 years old introvert more comfortable with books  than people, I was intimidated

Here I go, walking outside to play with my new dog, chained and confined to a 20 foot circle

at first it's fine, he licks my hand

then rolls over

I’m laughing because even though my heart is broken, I can see the future, a bright  future, me and Rocoso

now, time goes on, me standing at the edge of a well-worn circle, petting, playing  with Rocoso, but still vigilant

looking back now, I can tell, I was standing at the edge of manhood, deciding if  it was time to venture forth, to take a risk, to open my heart again

one day I decide it's time

unfortunately it was the day after a large rain

and any of you familiar with Texas know that rain makes mud and mud makes  the ground soft and soft ground means that posts and poles don't always stay in

but I was young, I never thought about it

I finished my Count Chocula cereal, drank the milk and ran outside, pausing to  only change from my batman pajamas to jean shorts

i edge up to Rocoso

he's lying down, not at the edge of the circle like always

but in the center

inviting me in

daring me in

i look into his dark, tejano eyes and see nothing

no fear, no anger, no anticipation

I take a step inside the circle

and it seems as if the world has stopped

there are no birds singing, the wind dies, no sounds

my heart hammering in my chest the only thing in the world

another step, and he moves

twitching his stub of a tail

just a fraction of an inch but I see it

What does it mean?

is he wagging his tail to play

is he warning me off

resolved, I know that if I'm ever going to get back to the love I had for Petey,  I have to do this

two steps, an ear wiggle

another step, his leg twitches

he's not steadying himself to pounce

he's not steeling himself to attack

I convince myself

he's cold

it rained

he's on the ground

*ground

i would be cold

there is a quilt next to him

dirty, matted with leaves

and since he's not on it

yet cold, I assumed there is only one plausible solution

Rocoso wants to be covered up with the quilt

What a novel idea.

I will be his hero, his guardian, the bringer of warmth

how could he not love me

grasping this golden truth, I rush forward, in my haste I notice his chain

it barely registers that the pole in the ground, isn't

I grab the quilt and twirl it around my head like a magician!

ABRA-CADABRA

I know this will work

he raises up on his front paws

and the dirty, wet, stinking quilt

lands on his back

covering him from head to tail

It looks like a pillow under there, how warm he must be!

but then

then I heard it

the growl

the growl that I have heard in my dreams for the last 25 years

the growl that even now, reminds me of cold, still death

the pillow moves

towards me

i take a step back

it moves again, two steps back

then it happens

Rocoso comes flying out from under the quilt

and the only thing I remember about his face is the absurd leaves stuck to his jowls

i laugh

knowing it's the laugh of the dead

I turn and run yet the ground is wet

I know that if I reach the edge of the circle I'm OK

that circle of worn earth that has been my haven for these many months

my protector, my only hope

I fall to one knee

i hear the chain jingling, I'm eight feet from the circle

i jump up

and fall again

face first in the mud I know I have one shot left, the ground is pounding

i hear him

the heavy growl, the breathing, the slap of his paws in the mud

summoning strength and speed I never knew existed I scrambled away

I feel his hot breath on my legs

no no no no no no no no no

a snap

he misses

by the slimmest of margins I make it

I’m lying just over the circle, crying now, unabashedly

somehow the rest of my life will never be this intense

I will never feel as alive and dead at the same time

i roll over, unable to see the clouds for the tears in my eyes

and then

that's when a shadow crossed over my face, blotting out the sky

DAD!

he's come to save me

i wipe my eyes, look up and all I see is bared fangs of a dog intent on never  being subjected to my cruelty again

there is no hope

but I have to try

if I can get to the swing set, I can climb the slide

rolling over like a soldier in a bullet ridden trench, I roll over the chain,  tangling myself in it

the stake pole digging into my back

it's all I can do to bring myself to my knees

and then he hits me

jumping on me from behind, driving me to the ground, the fury of 100lbs of  canine is no match

I’m screaming, who cares who hears me

I’m dying, who cares who saves me

I am undone

then silence

overshadowed by the sounds of my screams and the blood pounding in my ears,  was the gunshot

Rocoso lies at my side

staring into my eyes

I see his life draining from him, his vigor disappearing

Why not me!

why this beautiful animal

my stepfather comes quickly to my side

and pries my arms from around this cold dead killer

he gathers me up, a muddy, bloody, crying heap of a boy

and takes me instead

he's gone for a while this time, while I rock myself to sleep

I don't venture outside for days, waiting I suppose for all the dogs in the  world to leave me alone

And then. Dad

my Dad, the man sworn to protect me,

asks me to go outside

tells me he has something for me

i shake my head

no no

not again

but come on, Tommy, it's OK, no one is going to hurt you

remembering the strength it took to step inside the circle, I know I have to

i step out the door

and there

in the yard

with no chain

nothing between him and me

my dad bought me a goat