Se7en

I got a letter from my little brother today.  He's in a Texas prison and I haven't talked to him in almost two years.  His letter made me realize how self-absorbed I've become; I haven't even sent him a postcard in all this time.  Thinking about him brought alot of other stuff up.  I'm ashamed of things I've done or haven't done.  The subject of this blog has been on my mind ever since I started back to church.

James 5:16 says "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

• Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
• I consider myself to be a very smart person and something that I have struggled with for years is reconciling what I KNOW with what the Bible teaches.  I had convinced myself that I didn't need God or Jesus because I was so smart that I could explain everything and didn't need faith

• Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
• Not even hard to identify, I'm jealous of you guys with a single cab truck or those of you who seem to go thru life so easily.  Every time I see someone running I crave that so much, even to the point of thinking and planning how I would spend my wishes if I found a genie.  I know in my head I'm in this position because of my own faults but I still desire what you have.  

• Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
• Anyone surprised by this?  I'm not.  The fact that I have been spending a THOUSAND dollars a month eating out should be the first clue.  Doing my budget this week has really opened my eyes to something that certainly isn't helping, I'll show you a portion to a specific place and believe me when I tell you the below image is both shocking and depressing, I'm so ashamed.  (Keep in mind this is just a record from my debit card, who knows how much I spent in cash there). 

• Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
• Sure I've lusted, the only problem is that most of the time it involved food.  Eating would give me satisfaction, even more than sex.  Somehow I have perverted food into something that I desire more than my wife.  And that's not an indictment on her, it's on me.  I'm disgusting, I know.

• Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
• Anger is something I've dealt with all my life.  I've scared strangers, children, my wife and myself with how mad I can get so quickly.  It's like I snap, I become a different person and I know that it comes from not having enough healthy habits in my life to show me how to deal with something constructively.  Something I've never admitted is I get mad about food.  Like if someone gets my order wrong at the drive-thru, I've thrown it back at them and other similarly embarrassing and degrading things that should not define who I am. 

• Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
• This one is hard for me because to the outsider, I've very generous.  I'll pay for things when out with people, I'll refuse to be "owed" anything and am a very good tipper.  The problem is it's a front, it's a form of Pride for me, I want to LOOK like a generous person when on the inside I'm hoarding my cash like Scrooge McDuck.  Something that's especially hard is tithing to church, convincing myself to give hundreds of dollars instead of saving it for an emergency (like nachos) is really going to take some work.

• Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
• Again, not a surprise, I'm lazy.  My best friend is the TV and my lover is the DVR.  I know in my brain that I have to get up and get active but my body says no, the excuses take over and I don't do anything.  Something I'm trying to do is cancel our Cable so I won't be tempted but my wife is fighting it (if you know her, send her a message and tell her I need this).  
• There so many things I could do that I'm not:
• parking further away from the door
• taking the stairs 
• use the free fitness equipment at my apartment
• go talk to people instead of emailing
• I personally know this to be the most important thing that I need to fix, I'm doing pretty good on the eating right now and will continue that, but I need activities and I'll work on the Pride thing too, I'll ask for help:  Will you help me?  I need someone to go walking with, someone to encourage me to get off my butt more often, someone to show up when I'm feeling down and someone to kick my butt when I think it's time to quit.  I asked this before and it worked for a bit but moving put a damper on things.  Previous Post

OK, that's done and I feel better.  If anything in this blog scared you, disgusted you, encouraged you, worried you or whatever, please let me know.  You can leave a comment here or find me on Facebook under Thomas Morgan aka Iceman.T.Morg or follow me on Twitter @Thimecules

BTW - What's in the box?

I walked a mile in my shoes today

Today I did what I thought I couldn't.  Instead of going straight home to sit on the couch, I left work on time and went to the park.  With a friend we started around.  We joked and laughed while swapping stories of how we got to where we are.  He had promised me we would stop when needed, that he wouldn't push me too hard, too fast.  

The park we went to was close to work, with a walking path surrounding a couple of baseball fields and meanders next to a small lake.  Not a lot of trees but it was cloudy today so the 100 degree heat didn't feel too bad.  I started out very confident, smiling and ready.  Within the first seven minutes, that all disappeared.  My leg pain flared up and bit me in the ass and my thigh felt like someone was stabbing me.  At that time, I was ready to quit.  Time to turnaround and go home.  So did I?

Hell no.  I focused on what was ahead of me.  No, not the path.   What was in front of me was the future.  In my future, I do not wear clothes from any store for "Big & Tall".  In my future I have to make time for TV because normally I spend too much time outside.  In my future, I don't have a spare bedroom, I have kid's bedrooms.  In my future, people describe me as that guy with the dark hair, not "The big guy".  

That got me through another seven minutes.  At this point, we're halfway done and have just turned next to the lake.  Now I was experiencing pain beyond measure from my ankles to my shoulders (why do my neck and shoulders hurt from walking?)  I asked to quit and was told "Yes".  Little did I know that that only meant we now had to walk all the way back to the truck.  Now, I know what you must be thinking, "He's been walking for 15 minutes, what a loser."  And you know what, you're half right, I am a loser, of old habits and this excess weight.   For the past 10 years, my job has been confined to an office chair.  For the past 10 years, I have gone from home to work to home, etc etc.  Now I am retraining myself; I am learning what I can do, and what I should do.  

Where was I?  Oh yeah, the lake and half a mile from salvation.  Did I mention that the lake is a breeding ground for several species of waterfowl?  Yep, ducks, geese, swans and other unidentified swimming birds.  The reason I mention this is that path next to the lake is littered with...scat.  Have you ever tried to think about your pain while dodging a thousand piles of poo?   Before I knew it, we had crossed half way and the truck was the finish line.  

We left the path and cut across a small wooded area and this was the worst part, for a split second I thought about quitting, "Someone can come get me" but there is something in me that won't allow it which I'll touch on in subsequent posts.  I would not let myself stop, I would not let myself be another failure.  I did it.  I finished, walking for a full 26 minutes, at what I would consider a "brisk pace".  My face was red, I was sweaty, I could feel my heart-rate increase.  That's exercise and I'll take it.  

What did I learn?  I learned that my pain can be ignored.  I learned that I can push past my own self-imposed limits.  I learned that I won't die from walking an ungodly distance for fun.  I am going to be doing this daily; rearranging my work calendar to ensure I can take off every evening with enough time to get in a walk before driving home.  If I wait til I get home, there is a greater chance, almost guaranteed, that I won't do it.  I'm excited for myself and what this means for my future.  Let's see what else happens when I don't tell myself I can't do it!!!

For tracking purposes, I counted my meals again today and have consumed about 2,100 calories, a record I believe.  Instead of the normal tracker, below is a breakdown of how much of my daily consumption each item was.  This is a great view because it lists the food.  Can you believe I ate all this today and it was still barely two thousand calories?  I'm totally psyched and cannot wait until tomorrow when I get to do it all over again.  Thank you for joining me.  Follow the blog if you're as interested as me to see how far I can go.