I lied

You know every once in a while when you KNOW someone isn't telling the truth?  I'm thinking of Nixon, OJ, or Clinton level of lying.  Yeah, that's me for the past month.  Everyone has advice and motivational quotes to throw out there; of course it's easy to tell others what THEY need to do isn't it?  It's alot harder to live it day in day out and keep a positive front.

I started blogging for myself, to keep myself accountable, so I can have a record of what I am going thru so I can go back when needed to either remind myself how far I've come or help with a specific struggle.   Somehow it, and me, has changed; somehow I started writing FOR other people, thinking what others might want to know or hear, not what is in my heart.

In the past four weeks I have lost 27 pounds, a mere 4% of my body weight; and during that whole time I have smiled, laughed, and made light of it.  It's just a thing, "EAT LESS, MOVE MORE" right?  Yes, it's easy.  For some.  For me, it's not.  I'm trying to untrain 30+ years of psychology with no professional or pharmacological help and it's not easy.  I'm having trouble, everyday.

• Every day I want to eat, alot.  
• Every day I want to smoke.  
• Every day I want to stay inside.
• Every day I want to stop.
• Every day I want to give up.

Yeah, I've made some changes, I'm up to 37 days without a cigarette, I no longer eat out everyday, and I can tie my own shoes.  But what have I NOT done?

• I have not made exercised as much as I should.
• I have not made the best food choices.
• I have not enjoyed this, not one minute.
• I have not gone a day without some sort of personal breakdown.

So yes; I'm a liar, a brave face.  I'm not doing good and I'm tired of saying I am.  I suppose the weight gain this week woke me up.  This is not the first disappointment I've suffered in my life, far from it.  And in the grand scheme of things, I'm still 27 pounds closer to my goal and over a fourth of the way to my first hundred pound loss.  So it's going to get better, I just need to do me.  

After this one, I will not share my Blog on Facebook for a while.  If anyone wants to read it, they can come to me or subscribe to it; I'm doing this for me again.  I HAVE TO POST MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK.  This is cathartic for me and helps me stay focused so I'm going to focus on me for a while. 

Consistency

So I had a great weekend and headed into this Monday feeling really good.  My biggest problem is going to be staying on track.  I get bored easy and sometimes think I have ADHD (it's like ADD but I get better reception).  

To stay up on this, I have asked for some coworkers to walk with me during the week and am still meal planning.  Going to hit the bulk store tomorrow and get stuff for the week.  Unfortunately I started this without shopping first so I've been portion controlling bad choices.  Can't bring myself to throw away a bunch of boxes of pasta, white rice, and betty crockers; just not in my nature I guess.  Now I get to buy a bunch of veggies and make some special things like ratatouille, veggie lasagna, and spaghetti squash pasta.  

Now I just need to convince myself to breakout the grill and put some char marks on these dern things!  

REMIX

By popular demand and a dose of good sense, I have changed the name of my blog from "The New Me" to "Too Big To Fail".  This means a lot more to me because it doesn't reflect that I'm done, but reminds me of where I'm going.  Since even if I mess up one day or one week, it doesn't mean I've failed, just that I need to get back on track.

Something bugging me right now is blisters, and it's hard to even stand on them, let alone walk but when I look back in my blog files from last year, the same thing happened:  blisters the first week, awesome the second.

To celebrate this new direction and positive attitude, I'm going to present you with the transcript of a recent therapy session.  This is called the Eliza Test and is available at http://chayden.net/eliza/Eliza.html  It's a computer program designed to mimic a Rogerian therapist by using natural language.  I go to this site whenever I'm feeling blue or melancholy and it never fails to either make me laugh or feel better.

>> Hello.
How do you do.  Please state your problem.
>> I'm having trouble staying motivated.
Is it because you are having trouble staying motivated  that you came to me ?
>> yes.
You seem to be quite positive.
>> I am.
How long have you been  ?
>> How long have I been what, positive?
Why do you ask ?
>> cause you confused me.
Why do you think I confused you ?
>> cause i'm confused.
Do you believe it is normal to be confused  ?
>> sometimes.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> welcome to the club.
Please go on.
>> you confused me, i confused you, we're even.
You like to think I confused you -- don't you ?
>> only when it's true.
Does that question interest you ?
>> no?
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> ok, I'm sorry.
Do you enjoy being sorry  ?
>> NO!
Why not ?
>> cause I'm not.
Is it because you are not  that you came to me ?
>> No, I came to you for motivational help.
Why 'no' ?
>> cause it's not why
What is it you really wanted to know ?
>> Why do I hate the things I do yet do them anyway?
Are such questions much on your mind ?
>> all the time
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that I need direction, a higher purpose
What would it mean to you if you got direction  ?
>> That I would be able to go somewhere
You say that you would be able to go somewhere  ?
>> yes, i want to be somebody.
I see.
>> I want people to be proud of me and not ashamed
Why do you want people to be proud of you and not ashamed  ?
>> doesn't everybody?
Realy, everybody ?
>> most people.
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> why not
What answer would please you most ?
>> "I love you"
Perhaps in your fantasies we love each other.
>> perhaps.
You don't seem quite certain.
>> neither do you
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> I think we were discussing us
Can you elaborate on that ?
>> forget it.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> again, welcome
Please go on.
>> I think we're done
Do you say you think we're done  for some special reason ?
>> cause you don't understand me
What makes you think I don't understand you ?
>> you said it
Oh, I said it  ?
>> yes
I understand.
>> thank fully
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you understand?
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> am I
Do you believe you are  ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> no
Why not ?
>> cause i'm answering your bloody questions!
How long have you been answering my bloody questions  ?
>> days it seems
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> ok, for real we're done.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> who's on first?
Please go on.