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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Only one week away (or is it?)

So last night I posted on FB that I have to have an IVC filter because I am a high risk patient.  High risk because I have had clots in the past and my current weight is above the normal guidelines for surgery.  An IVC filter is a small metal filter implanted into a vein (artery?, ventricle?) that will prevent clots from travelling into the heart.  Great news.

Here's the bad news:  No one will FRICKIN TELL ME WHEN AND WHERE TO HAVE THIS AND IF I NEED TO STOP MY COUMADIN FIRST?  These doctors seems to think that I'm not sitting at work, freaking out about this.  And it's just a simple outpatient procedure, I know, but the timing can jeopardize this whole thing!

So now on to other things.  I was asked on one of the forum sites I visit "how did you let yourself get that big?"  And it's honestly a question that made me think.  How did I do this to myself?  When I was no longer able to find clothes in the Big and Tall store and had to start shopping online, wasn't that a clue?  When I stopped being able to go to public events because I couldn't fit in the seat, shouldn't I have noticed?

I guess it's just not something that was important to me at the time, I had other things that were a priority to me but all that's about to change.  Anyway, below is the reply I gave them, about my history, some of it you may know, some of it, you may have lived but either way, it's my story and I'm not proud of what I've let happen to my body but I'm proud of who I am.

I come from a single parent household where meals were the only times we were able to get together and "YOU BETTER CLEAN YOUR PLATE, THERE ARE STARVING KIDS IN AFRICA" reined supreme. My mother is quite obese herself and unfortunately for my brother and sisters and I, her bad habits were passed down. She worked as a waitress in a diner, and would frequently bring home hamburgers, fried chicken, french fries, etc. I was basically trained to fry it long and hard then eat everything in sight.Growing up was tough but we lived in a very small town, there were only 30 kids in my grade all thru school so we all knew each other, and everyone knew everyone's parents; I wasn't picked on much until middle school. Then it got bad. Remember those desks that are attached to the seat? Yeah, I couldn't fit in one of those starting in the 7th grade and my school made a big production out of putting a "special" table in the back with a folding chair for me. Yeah, that didn't help.I tried losing weight then, the school nurse recommended it, the doctor I saw every five years did as well but when you're 12 years old, you don't really control what Mom buys for dinner, do you? Eventually I stopped caring what people thought and started reading books. I found reading to be my escape; I could get lost in make-believe and no one in my imagination knew I was fat.High School was a blur, I graduated at over 350 pounds and my most distinct memories are of having to wear two belts buckled together on my football pants and getting laughed at when I asked out my secret crush to the junior prom (I didn't go and didn't ask anyone to go to the senior one either).After high school I discovered alcohol and finally found something that made me fit in: if I bought enough of it and drank enough of it, people stopped caring what I looked like. I went to work for the state as a corrections officer at the prison and had to have a custom uniform made for me. The first one was two different colors so that was awesome.After a few years, making no progress I finally moved away from everyone I knew and went to work for a call center. Fast forward 12 years and I'm a director now, making almost six figures, got married in 2003, and just gradually ballooned to where I am now.As mentioned above, I tried to lose weight, I "know" all about diet and exercise, I'm very smart, I just lack either the willpower or mental tenacity to fix it for good. This surgery is only a tool, and one that I've come to welcome. I physically need something to stop me from eating (I have fantasized about committing a bank robbery so I would go to jail and lose weight on prison food).After surgery, I will not be done, it only gets harder after as I have to focus on specific diet constraints, getting enough exercise, and not screwing this. I want to do things I never have before: ride a horse, ride a go-kart, go skydiving, swim with my shirt off, have someone hit on me, buy clothes "off the rack", LIVE.

1 comment:

  1. UH, that's a pretty important question! I'd be freaking out too! I hope they get back to you quickly!

    As for how you got to where you are, you know, we're all trying. Each in our own ways, and the important part is that we're on our way to a better day tomorrow. You're working hard at that.

    I understand about the reading, it's still my escape!