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Thursday, December 27, 2012

I miss me

I don't have a sob story or a motivational NSV to share, just rambling.  I probably pissed some friends at work off today, while playing a GAME.  Life isn't a game, my priorities are whack.  I have such good intentions, but lack of commitment.  I got my annual review, was worse than the last one, could it be that I'm punishing myself for my weight, that I feel since I struggle with it, I should struggle everywhere?

I wrote this poem just now:
To be truly happy or be wealthy
That's all you wish
that's what you dream about you see
And I'm not here to squish

I dream of neither joy or cash
I dream of neither love or things
I dream of stopping this crash
To be just truly is my yearnings

Yes, I realize it's crap.  No, I don't care.

70 pounds in two months and now 10 in five.  Something is wrong, and it starts upstairs.  I'm so sick of writing about how I'm back, or how I'm doing this or doing that when it's all just a lie, a lie to myself.  I am rereading my blogs from Day One and I don't notice a trend, I don't see a WHY or a HOW that had me so focused, so committed.  It's like a switch was flipped on in May and off in August.  

Did I mention I'm thinking about smoking again?  I'm using the electronic one though, haven't broken down and bought a pack yet.  I probably won't.

I know what I NEED to do. 
I know what I SHOULD do.
I know what I MUST do.
I know what I HAVE to do.
I know what I WILL do.
I know what I MAY do.
Why don't I know what I CAN do?


  1. Thomas,

    I have been in a similar state of mind. I was doing so well and then this issue with my imbalance hit. I am still seeking answers however I am fighting through the pain. I am not going to try to pump you up or try and motivate you. This is because you already have the internal motivation however you need to identify your "triggers." For me it's stress and bordom that cause me to eat bad. For you it may be different. Once you find your triggers it's important for you to find answers on how to address them. I am definitely thinking of therapy in 2013 because I need to arm myself with tools on how to cope with my inner demons. I will pray for you Thomas and I KNOW you will figure this thing out once and for all. Never give up!

    Your friend,


  2. I don't know much about weight loss success, or getting your mind right, or any of that stuff man. I am right there with you, it's a mental war. Many battles lost, few I have won, up to this point in my life, but I got to keep trying, that's all I have. The only thing I have going for me is the fact that I keep trying. And one of these days somethings gonna click and this addiction will have no power over me. One day at a time, that's all I can ask for, just one day at a time. That's as far as I am trying to focus right now. It seems to be helping, I guess time will tell if it really is the best strategy. Your not alone though man, there are others of us out there that really identify with what your saying. Recently I have been finding some extra motivation in watching walkwithchappy or dagearjammer videos on youtube. Maybe you have already tried those but they seem to be helping me right now anyways. I can identify with those guys. Whatever you do find that works, please let us know, it will help us.

    Cool poem by the way, and I like what Rob said a lot in the comment above mine, that makes sense too

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