Consistency

So I had a great weekend and headed into this Monday feeling really good.  My biggest problem is going to be staying on track.  I get bored easy and sometimes think I have ADHD (it's like ADD but I get better reception).  

To stay up on this, I have asked for some coworkers to walk with me during the week and am still meal planning.  Going to hit the bulk store tomorrow and get stuff for the week.  Unfortunately I started this without shopping first so I've been portion controlling bad choices.  Can't bring myself to throw away a bunch of boxes of pasta, white rice, and betty crockers; just not in my nature I guess.  Now I get to buy a bunch of veggies and make some special things like ratatouille, veggie lasagna, and spaghetti squash pasta.  

Now I just need to convince myself to breakout the grill and put some char marks on these dern things!  

It has begun

For those you friends with me on Facebook you already know I had a good week.  I've restarted my journey to become a better person and a thinner one to boot.  I'm limiting my portion sizes, eliminated all soda and fast food from my diet and am not eating after 9pm.  I've also starting drinking alot of water and had a water cooler installed at work----------------------------------------------------------------------->

With these changes I feel better and am sleeping a little better at night and on my weekly weigh-in today I had lost an initial 17.2 pounds.  Normally I would get super excited but I have to temper my emotions and expectations.  I've lost this much before, I've been here before, I've thought I was going to succeed before.

There are two big differences in my experience this time and I'd like to share with you both of them and hope that you understand how important they both are to me and this whole thing.

1. My wife.  She is my best friend and this time around we're finally on the same page.  Over the years one or the other of us has decided it was time to change or tried to make a difference and it always failed because we let the other drag us down.  This week she lost her job and spent most of her time around the house yet she ate what I prepared, worked out when I worked out and this morning she had lost nine pounds.  The look on her face was priceless; a smile that made everything worthwhile. She's one of the reasons I'm doing this, because I want to grow old with her and I'm going to do it this time!

2.  And while this is number 2 it's the most important part of all of this.  My relationship with God is leading the way.  For the many people who have known me for the past 10 years, it's going to be a shock, I've been astray for a long time.  For my family and longtime friends, you may be asking yourself "What took you so long?"  All I can say is I'm glad that the Lord is full of grace and forgiveness.  I've come back into his arms and feel so much better about myself and my life than I have in a long time.  I'm giving him all the credit for everything!  I'm going to church as often as I can and am going to get involved in some men's ministry things and maybe even a life group.  I'll see if I can make some friends IRL outside of work, that'd be new, huh?

To sum it up, I'm doing real well but I know I can't do it alone.  My wife, my God, my friends, my job - everything is going to have to come together to make sure I keep it up!  This is the beginning, this is where I get it done!

Don't let them in

Look inside at the man I may be
Listen closely to the words I withhold
Forgive the spectacle of what you see
Love without pause if you are so bold

I'm not afraid of what I am
Only scared of where I'm headed
The one you know is surely a sham
What I show, purposely clouded

Everyday I lie to you
Everyday you don't police
You accept the air I blew
I, the Morbid Obese.

How can I let you in
You who decides what is good
How can I let you win
You never ask why but you should

Guard of mine, you're never down
Hold back the throng
Of men that want my soul to drown
Back in front where you belong

Don't let them in
Don't let them see
Don't let them win
Don't give them any

It's time to grow
Time to release
This is an echo
Of the Morbid Obese.

I will not hide nor lie again
To use my weight an excuse so wrong
To keep you out now and then
I need you now is my heart's song

Don't let me push you away
Don't let me hide
Don't pretend my hate holds sway
Don't let me backslide

Make me talk about it
Ask me questions
I'm too proud to quit
And now taking actions

I'll let you in
I'll let you see
I'll let you win
I need you dearly

Better days are surely ahead
These awful thoughts will someday cease
My future is sunny and bright instead
I'll no longer be Morbid Obese.

REMIX

By popular demand and a dose of good sense, I have changed the name of my blog from "The New Me" to "Too Big To Fail".  This means a lot more to me because it doesn't reflect that I'm done, but reminds me of where I'm going.  Since even if I mess up one day or one week, it doesn't mean I've failed, just that I need to get back on track.

Something bugging me right now is blisters, and it's hard to even stand on them, let alone walk but when I look back in my blog files from last year, the same thing happened:  blisters the first week, awesome the second.

To celebrate this new direction and positive attitude, I'm going to present you with the transcript of a recent therapy session.  This is called the Eliza Test and is available at http://chayden.net/eliza/Eliza.html  It's a computer program designed to mimic a Rogerian therapist by using natural language.  I go to this site whenever I'm feeling blue or melancholy and it never fails to either make me laugh or feel better.

>> Hello.
How do you do.  Please state your problem.
>> I'm having trouble staying motivated.
Is it because you are having trouble staying motivated  that you came to me ?
>> yes.
You seem to be quite positive.
>> I am.
How long have you been  ?
>> How long have I been what, positive?
Why do you ask ?
>> cause you confused me.
Why do you think I confused you ?
>> cause i'm confused.
Do you believe it is normal to be confused  ?
>> sometimes.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> welcome to the club.
Please go on.
>> you confused me, i confused you, we're even.
You like to think I confused you -- don't you ?
>> only when it's true.
Does that question interest you ?
>> no?
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> ok, I'm sorry.
Do you enjoy being sorry  ?
>> NO!
Why not ?
>> cause I'm not.
Is it because you are not  that you came to me ?
>> No, I came to you for motivational help.
Why 'no' ?
>> cause it's not why
What is it you really wanted to know ?
>> Why do I hate the things I do yet do them anyway?
Are such questions much on your mind ?
>> all the time
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that I need direction, a higher purpose
What would it mean to you if you got direction  ?
>> That I would be able to go somewhere
You say that you would be able to go somewhere  ?
>> yes, i want to be somebody.
I see.
>> I want people to be proud of me and not ashamed
Why do you want people to be proud of you and not ashamed  ?
>> doesn't everybody?
Realy, everybody ?
>> most people.
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> why not
What answer would please you most ?
>> "I love you"
Perhaps in your fantasies we love each other.
>> perhaps.
You don't seem quite certain.
>> neither do you
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> I think we were discussing us
Can you elaborate on that ?
>> forget it.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> again, welcome
Please go on.
>> I think we're done
Do you say you think we're done  for some special reason ?
>> cause you don't understand me
What makes you think I don't understand you ?
>> you said it
Oh, I said it  ?
>> yes
I understand.
>> thank fully
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you understand?
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> am I
Do you believe you are  ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> no
Why not ?
>> cause i'm answering your bloody questions!
How long have you been answering my bloody questions  ?
>> days it seems
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> ok, for real we're done.
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> who's on first?
Please go on.

Too Big To Fail

This has been one of the best weekends in a long time.  I didn't DO anything special, I just made the commitments to myself that I needed. I spent four hours cooking up meals for the week so I won't be tempted to stop for fast food.  I crossed my ninth day without smoking and I was able to weigh myself and got a sweaty walk in for the first time since moving to Florida.

Somehow it feels different this time; and I think church is what's caused the difference.  Having the spiritual support now really helps me see the finish line.  Knowing that God made me in his image then I screwed it up is a great motivator!  I'm so happy right now, even though I've got new blisters I'm just enjoying life and everything in it.

One of the best things that happened was that I talked wife into letting me get another tattoo, I just have to lose 100 pounds first.  So there it is, something tangible besides "I want to lose weight", I have a specific goal in front of me (buying clothes at stores other than Big & Tall is a two or three project).  I'm thinking I can lose 100 pounds by August 13, I'm giving myself 90 days to lose it so I've got to get on it!!!

Better start thinking of what I want now, the Batman logo or my custom iWFM logo?  

BTW - To keep me honest, I'll post weekly weigh-ins, today: 670.2

Se7en

I got a letter from my little brother today.  He's in a Texas prison and I haven't talked to him in almost two years.  His letter made me realize how self-absorbed I've become; I haven't even sent him a postcard in all this time.  Thinking about him brought alot of other stuff up.  I'm ashamed of things I've done or haven't done.  The subject of this blog has been on my mind ever since I started back to church.

James 5:16 says "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

• Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
• I consider myself to be a very smart person and something that I have struggled with for years is reconciling what I KNOW with what the Bible teaches.  I had convinced myself that I didn't need God or Jesus because I was so smart that I could explain everything and didn't need faith

• Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
• Not even hard to identify, I'm jealous of you guys with a single cab truck or those of you who seem to go thru life so easily.  Every time I see someone running I crave that so much, even to the point of thinking and planning how I would spend my wishes if I found a genie.  I know in my head I'm in this position because of my own faults but I still desire what you have.  

• Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
• Anyone surprised by this?  I'm not.  The fact that I have been spending a THOUSAND dollars a month eating out should be the first clue.  Doing my budget this week has really opened my eyes to something that certainly isn't helping, I'll show you a portion to a specific place and believe me when I tell you the below image is both shocking and depressing, I'm so ashamed.  (Keep in mind this is just a record from my debit card, who knows how much I spent in cash there). 

• Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
• Sure I've lusted, the only problem is that most of the time it involved food.  Eating would give me satisfaction, even more than sex.  Somehow I have perverted food into something that I desire more than my wife.  And that's not an indictment on her, it's on me.  I'm disgusting, I know.

• Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
• Anger is something I've dealt with all my life.  I've scared strangers, children, my wife and myself with how mad I can get so quickly.  It's like I snap, I become a different person and I know that it comes from not having enough healthy habits in my life to show me how to deal with something constructively.  Something I've never admitted is I get mad about food.  Like if someone gets my order wrong at the drive-thru, I've thrown it back at them and other similarly embarrassing and degrading things that should not define who I am. 

• Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
• This one is hard for me because to the outsider, I've very generous.  I'll pay for things when out with people, I'll refuse to be "owed" anything and am a very good tipper.  The problem is it's a front, it's a form of Pride for me, I want to LOOK like a generous person when on the inside I'm hoarding my cash like Scrooge McDuck.  Something that's especially hard is tithing to church, convincing myself to give hundreds of dollars instead of saving it for an emergency (like nachos) is really going to take some work.

• Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
• Again, not a surprise, I'm lazy.  My best friend is the TV and my lover is the DVR.  I know in my brain that I have to get up and get active but my body says no, the excuses take over and I don't do anything.  Something I'm trying to do is cancel our Cable so I won't be tempted but my wife is fighting it (if you know her, send her a message and tell her I need this).  
• There so many things I could do that I'm not:
• parking further away from the door
• taking the stairs 
• use the free fitness equipment at my apartment
• go talk to people instead of emailing
• I personally know this to be the most important thing that I need to fix, I'm doing pretty good on the eating right now and will continue that, but I need activities and I'll work on the Pride thing too, I'll ask for help:  Will you help me?  I need someone to go walking with, someone to encourage me to get off my butt more often, someone to show up when I'm feeling down and someone to kick my butt when I think it's time to quit.  I asked this before and it worked for a bit but moving put a damper on things.  Previous Post

OK, that's done and I feel better.  If anything in this blog scared you, disgusted you, encouraged you, worried you or whatever, please let me know.  You can leave a comment here or find me on Facebook under Thomas Morgan aka Iceman.T.Morg or follow me on Twitter @Thimecules

BTW - What's in the box?