Delayed Gratification

Those of you who follow me on Facebook already know but I'm not having surgery this week.  There was some concern by the hospital vascular department and anesthesiologist assigned to my case.  They felt at my weight and with my history it wouldn't be safe.  They are the experts so I understand, I'm not even mad.
Today the surgeon got approval to do it once I'm under 600 pounds and I think I have about 40 pounds to go.  I will have my official weigh-in tomorrow morning and I'm setting a goal for myself, no matter the number, to be under 600 pounds by 8/31.  I'm going to bust ass to get this done, cause I don't want it taken away from me again.  I don't think I took it serious the last couple of weeks, it felt too easy, like this was too good to be true.  I should have know.  Everything works out as designed, and once the weight is off, not only will I have a head-start on my new life, it will make the surgery easier for them so yah, I might live!

Only one week away (or is it?)

So last night I posted on FB that I have to have an IVC filter because I am a high risk patient.  High risk because I have had clots in the past and my current weight is above the normal guidelines for surgery.  An IVC filter is a small metal filter implanted into a vein (artery?, ventricle?) that will prevent clots from travelling into the heart.  Great news.

Here's the bad news:  No one will FRICKIN TELL ME WHEN AND WHERE TO HAVE THIS AND IF I NEED TO STOP MY COUMADIN FIRST?  These doctors seems to think that I'm not sitting at work, freaking out about this.  And it's just a simple outpatient procedure, I know, but the timing can jeopardize this whole thing!
 

So now on to other things.  I was asked on one of the forum sites I visit "how did you let yourself get that big?"  And it's honestly a question that made me think.  How did I do this to myself?  When I was no longer able to find clothes in the Big and Tall store and had to start shopping online, wasn't that a clue?  When I stopped being able to go to public events because I couldn't fit in the seat, shouldn't I have noticed?

I guess it's just not something that was important to me at the time, I had other things that were a priority to me but all that's about to change.  Anyway, below is the reply I gave them, about my history, some of it you may know, some of it, you may have lived but either way, it's my story and I'm not proud of what I've let happen to my body but I'm proud of who I am.

I come from a single parent household where meals were the only times we were able to get together and "YOU BETTER CLEAN YOUR PLATE, THERE ARE STARVING KIDS IN AFRICA" reined supreme. My mother is quite obese herself and unfortunately for my brother and sisters and I, her bad habits were passed down. She worked as a waitress in a diner, and would frequently bring home hamburgers, fried chicken, french fries, etc. I was basically trained to fry it long and hard then eat everything in sight.Growing up was tough but we lived in a very small town, there were only 30 kids in my grade all thru school so we all knew each other, and everyone knew everyone's parents; I wasn't picked on much until middle school. Then it got bad. Remember those desks that are attached to the seat? Yeah, I couldn't fit in one of those starting in the 7th grade and my school made a big production out of putting a "special" table in the back with a folding chair for me. Yeah, that didn't help.I tried losing weight then, the school nurse recommended it, the doctor I saw every five years did as well but when you're 12 years old, you don't really control what Mom buys for dinner, do you? Eventually I stopped caring what people thought and started reading books. I found reading to be my escape; I could get lost in make-believe and no one in my imagination knew I was fat.High School was a blur, I graduated at over 350 pounds and my most distinct memories are of having to wear two belts buckled together on my football pants and getting laughed at when I asked out my secret crush to the junior prom (I didn't go and didn't ask anyone to go to the senior one either).After high school I discovered alcohol and finally found something that made me fit in: if I bought enough of it and drank enough of it, people stopped caring what I looked like. I went to work for the state as a corrections officer at the prison and had to have a custom uniform made for me. The first one was two different colors so that was awesome.After a few years, making no progress I finally moved away from everyone I knew and went to work for a call center. Fast forward 12 years and I'm a director now, making almost six figures, got married in 2003, and just gradually ballooned to where I am now.As mentioned above, I tried to lose weight, I "know" all about diet and exercise, I'm very smart, I just lack either the willpower or mental tenacity to fix it for good. This surgery is only a tool, and one that I've come to welcome. I physically need something to stop me from eating (I have fantasized about committing a bank robbery so I would go to jail and lose weight on prison food).After surgery, I will not be done, it only gets harder after as I have to focus on specific diet constraints, getting enough exercise, and not screwing this. I want to do things I never have before: ride a horse, ride a go-kart, go skydiving, swim with my shirt off, have someone hit on me, buy clothes "off the rack", LIVE.

Still Alive

Well I didn't think it was possible but I've lasted the first five days on a liquid diet.  First, and foremost, I have cheated. I ate a can of beef stew thinned with water on Thursday because if I didn't I was going to order a pizza (I felt like I was starving).  I immediately felt awful and was in the bathroom all night.  I keep thinking about how this is going to work after the surgery and that I won't be hungry, I'm excited and I think that is helping me.  The need to eat is subsiding, in fact, yesterday I only had two shakes all day so yeah, I'm awesome.

Since Thursday I've been very good, and this morning I weighed in at 641 pounds.  For those of you keeping score at home, that's 25 pounds since Monday.

I had someone ask me if losing weight this fast was healthy and to them I say "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR".  I'm not losing weight, I'm dropping water weight, from the drastically decreased sodium intake of eating out three times a day with fast food every day that the "Murica'n" diet consists of these days.

As an example, here's a "normal" day last month, where I would typically east in excess of 5,000 calories a day.  WHERE WERE YOU THEN?  WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME THEN IF THIS WAS HEALTHY?  WHY DO YOU FEEL EMPOWERED TO COMPLAIN NOW WHEN I'M TRYING TO SAVE MY LIFE AND KEPT QUIET WHILE I KILLED MYSELF?

Ok, rant over.  Here's the good news:  I feel good.  I can tell my back feels better when I wake up in the morning.  Other than some stomach cramps yesterday this is the best week of my life.  I'm so thrilled with the decision this time around.  Last year I felt the same but in the back of my mind, I knew I could slip.  Now I know there is no choice.  If I eat like I did before I will literally kill myself because my new stomach won't handle it.

Also, I have discovered "Country Rap" music.  How did I not know this existed?   I have long been a fan of rap music, I love the beat and rhythm, maybe not the artists or content.  For the past two days I have been rocking Big Smo, The Lacs, Eric Church, and Bottleneck all day and am so happy.  These guys rap about things I can relate to: dirt roads, trucks, moonshine instead of bitches and hoes.  LOL  Here's my favorite so far, I think you will all enjoy it:

12 days Pre-Op

So a lot has happened since my last post.  I have been approved for gastric bypass surgery and I'm going thru with it on July 23.  I am embarrassed to admit it, cause I feel guilty that I can not do this on my own.

Last year I began a journey that took me from 670 pounds, smoking a pack a day, drinking like crazy to a "svelte" 610 pounds, no smoking, walking everyday, going to church, no drinking new "me" in just a few months.

Then it happened, life.  It came back with a vengeance and reminded me I had problems.  I gained every pound back, I stopped exercising, I stopped going to church as often, began drinking more, ALMOST STARTED SMOKING again but thank God I never did (I know my sisters are glad to hear that).

Gastric Bypass is not a cure-all.  It will not "fix" me.  It isn't going to keep me from dealing with life or going thru struggles.  What it will do is force me to use food as fuel.  It won't let me eat a whole can of Pringles or a 16 oz steak whenever I feel like it. This surgery is going to save my life, I can feel it already beginning to change it.

On Monday, July 8, I began the pre-op liquid diet, replacing all of my meals with protein shakes and can have things like Jello, broth, sugar-free Popsicles.  Also I have to stop all caffeine so that means no more tea and coffee.  So far the hardest thing to deal with is the withdrawal from caffeine and carbs.  I've had a constant headache, and I feel worn down all the time.  I can barely keep my eyes open at work and am distracted, irritable, and impatient with everyone.  I hope this doesn't continue.

For the win, I'm down 15 pounds since Monday, back to 651 and would really like to be 625 or under for the surgery; every pound I lose now is one I don't have to lose later, plus I understand it makes the surgery safer.  I still need to get my blood thinners taken care of before surgery, will probably stop them a few days before but if my doctor doesn't call me then I dunno.

I will be out of work the week of surgery, they plan to keep me in ICU for 24 hours, just to make sure everything is OK then in a regular room for a day or two, SOP for the "morbidly obese".  The doc thinks I will be out of work for two weeks but ain't nobody got time for that, I'm sure I'll be back on the Monday after, besides all I do is sit at a desk.

I promised someone close to me that I would keep this up, and do better about making more updates.  We'll see how that goes, if I have something specific to share or whatever I will provide an update.

SWM seeking approval

How come I let myself be intimidated?  Even in situations where my weight doesn't matter, like online, I'm worried about "approval" and ensuring that what I do is accepted.  I let myself and my behavior be impacted by others and it's stupid.  I can't even post on an anonymous website for fear of being called stupid or worse.

How dumb is that?  Anonymous internet strangers opinions of me bother me?   I need to come to to grips with accepting me for me and let everyone else fall by the wayside, I've spent too much time considering what the world thinks I should do or how I should act that I'm not sure I even know who the real me is anymore.

Remember the joke about the woman who colored her hair for so many years she forgot her natural color?  I'm like that, I've hidden away and limited myself to the point that I'm not sure what to do.  I am not the polite, sensitive guy some people know; I'm not the gruff, strong one that others are familiar with; I'm not the educated brainy fellow that makes the right choices.

I'm me, and the me I am is hard to define.  I make mistakes, I am uncomfortable around others, I don't empathize well, I am generous, I am unforgiving, I am confused.

My weight defines who I am so much that it's a part of me, if the day comes when it's not a constant reminder of why the world hates me then I might be able to come out of my shell, I might be able to "act natural" but before I start acting like myself, let me spend some more time acting like the me you want me to be.

One Year Later

May 13, 2012. The day I thought my life had changed.  The day I thought I had it all figured out.  The day I was supposed to look back on as the beginning of my new life.

May 13, 2013 is around the corner and I have little to nothing to show for the past 12 months.  I began what I called my journey to my new life.  I stopped smoking, started exercising, watching what I eat and going to church faithfully.

That lasted, oh, about four months.  

I kept a weight log, recording my gains and losses, tracking weekly progress from 5/13 to 9/2, without fail.  I blogged, I recorded progress pics, I prayed.  Then it stopped.  I let my brain beat me and it's just a bunch of worthless, tired excuses that I am happy to list here but don't do a thing to explain why I'm such a fucking idiot.

Let's see, how about we list all the HIGHS, all the GOOD things that happened last year, perhaps to show myself as much as anybody what I was capable of accomplishing. 

1. In 16 weeks I lost over 75 pounds.
2. I smoked smoking.
3. I got a 4% raise at work.
4. I was happy.

Then it went to shit.  I don't know why. I do know why, I got over confident, I got bored, I got distracted, I got discouraged, I got lazy.

I'm so sick of writing these blogs, promising to do better yet I never do, sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it to try.  Is a better life even needed, is this one?  Why bother when I'm only a burden on others anyway, Why try?

So here's the big one:  I'm at 653 pounds today.  For those of you keeping score at home, that means I lost 75 months and then regain over 50 of it in the past year  I'm going up and down more than gas prices and unfortunately I always go up higher than before when I'm on the rebound so if not for something very drastic, I fully expect and dread the day when I am 700 pounds.  When it hits, you won't have to worry about these blogs anymore, cause I will kill myself, I don't even care.  It's a constant daily struggle now to even keep getting out of bed in the morning.

To that end and to keep my promise of full disclosure, I'm working on getting gastric bypass surgery.  I know I know, I'm a failure to you all.  I know, I know.  I don't care.  I am trying to change my life and I cannot do this on my own and if this tool will help me then so be it.  

I don't have the fortitude to ask for help.

I don't have the self-respect to beg for it.

I don't have the right to expect any.

I don't have any reason to wait.

I should know this week if the surgeon will even  accept me and then we can try for insurance approval.  I've done the nutritionist thing and will have the psych consult and PCP clearance this coming week.  Who knows, perhaps something will finally go right for me. 

And if you want to send me a negative comment, just shut up.  I don't need it.  And if this means you have lost respect for me, just go away, I don't have time for you. 

Shut up head

I think too much, cannot stop making plans and decisions that never come to fruition. I must figure out this mess I call life.

Weak Sauce

How right this is.  I've had a very bad week but see some light.  I am so sick of being around people and faking it but don't want to alienate everyone.  No one sees the real me, no one sees the me I want to be, only the me I show.

I deleted Facebook and am thinking about deleting more things.  Sick of me, sick of you.  God I'm a mess, and I need help. 

I miss me

I don't have a sob story or a motivational NSV to share, just rambling.  I probably pissed some friends at work off today, while playing a GAME.  Life isn't a game, my priorities are whack.  I have such good intentions, but lack of commitment.  I got my annual review, was worse than the last one, could it be that I'm punishing myself for my weight, that I feel since I struggle with it, I should struggle everywhere?

I wrote this poem just now:

______________________________________________________________

To be truly happy or be wealthy

That's all you wish

that's what you dream about you see

And I'm not here to squish

I dream of neither joy or cash

I dream of neither love or things

I dream of stopping this crash

To be just truly is my yearnings

______________________________________________________________

Yes, I realize it's crap.  No, I don't care.

70 pounds in two months and now 10 in five.  Something is wrong, and it starts upstairs.  I'm so sick of writing about how I'm back, or how I'm doing this or doing that when it's all just a lie, a lie to myself.  I am rereading my blogs from Day One and I don't notice a trend, I don't see a WHY or a HOW that had me so focused, so committed.  It's like a switch was flipped on in May and off in August.  

Did I mention I'm thinking about smoking again?  I'm using the electronic one though, haven't broken down and bought a pack yet.  I probably won't.

I know what I NEED to do. 

I know what I SHOULD do.

I know what I MUST do.

I know what I HAVE to do.

I know what I WILL do.

I know what I MAY do.

Why don't I know what I CAN do?

Storage Drawers (now on TSM TV!)

Tonight I did I couple of things designed to help me break my computer habit.  I threw out the laptop table that rolled up to my chair.  I tossed a set of TV Trays that we've kept around, "just in case" and tomorrow I'm taking my laptop to work, locking it to it's dock and leaving it there.  Hopefully permanently.

As I take stock of my life and try to get it in order, I am working on habits:  exercising, eating, hiding.  But about my material items?  Why the emotional attachment to THINGS?  It's stupid, to care about having something in my house to look at because "it means something to me".

What it means is I'm not ready to let go of the past.  What it means is I'm not ready to move on.  What it means is there's something there, something hurting, something inside that still needs work.  For me, it's two items from my pre-marriage life.  Two things that I brought into this marriage that are just things.  But they are things that if I let them go, might help me let go.

The first item is a pressed wood chest of drawers.  It's about four foot high, has four drawers on the left and a small closet on the right, just right to hang up a pair of pants or maybe kids clothes.  I got it when I was probably eight or nine (if my math is wrong and that age is incorrect, forgive me).  It was given to me, probably for birthday or Christmas, from one of my step-fathers.  The one that stayed around the longest and the only one who acted like a father to me, even for a brief period.  I'm not saying he was a good man, or treated my mother and my siblings and I right, but he is the only man I ever remember calling, "Dad".  There were alot of things around that time I remember, the boat we took on the lake that I couldn't steer, my race car track stapled to a 6x4 piece of plywood that I couldn't play with without supervision, my RC car that I couldn't play with unless he was home and "helping".  But the one thing I remember was this chest of drawers in my room that I could do anything with I wanted.   Socks in one drawer, GI Joe in another? Sure.  Put my brother in the closet and hold him in?  Of course!

This thing is falling apart.  I've re-glued a couple of drawer fronts back on a couple of times and there are alot of extra nails keeping it upright but still, I've hauled it from Hamlin to Abilene to Austin to Oklahoma to Wichita to Burkburnett to Iowa Park to Abilene to Utah to Hamlin to Anson to Florida.  And here it sits, in a corner of the dining room, with some CD's on top, Tupperware in the drawers, just bits and bobs.  My wife has asked me to throw it out a dozen times because it's literally falling apart, it's scratched, doesn't go with anything, and is taking up space.  Every time I say "No, it's the only thing I have left from..."

Who cares if it's the last thing left from that broken marriage?  Who cares if it's the only thing I have left from my childhood that wasn't lost in the fire or stolen by roommates or pawned for beer money?  What does it matter that I'm crying as I think about throwing out a piece of WOOD?  I don't keep this chest for a purpose, I don't refuse to get rid of it because I need it. I keep it because it needs me.

Now hold on, I'm not suggesting this chest is a sentient being, it doesn't have feelings or talk to me when no one is around.  What I'm saying is there is no redeeming quality about it other than what it USED to be.  It used to be the focal point of my bedroom.  Twin bed on either side of the room, chest in the middle, trophies on top.  It was awesome.  But once I grew up, once my Mom started having to be Dad too, the usefulness started declining.  My clothes outgrew the chest, a single pair of my size 15 shoes wouldn't fit in a drawer.  Why keep it?  Surely I've outgrown it.  But has it outgrown me?

Now days you can go to Walmart or IKEA and pick up a dresser or chest for $50, put it together in an hour and your house can look like a magazine. But never again can you get something that someone you loved built by hand.  And even that may be my mind playing tricks on me, maybe my stepfather got it at a garage sale or he got it at the store, I dunno.  What I like about this thing is what I mean to it.  As long as I keep it around, it will serve a purpose.  As long as I keep it around, no one will hurt it, break it, burn it, crush it.  I'll probably throw it out next time we move out of frustration and regret it later.

NOW - the second item, if you're still awake, is a brass trunk with buckles and lock, it's cedar lined and in pretty bad shape.  There's a dent in one side and the top is rusted like crazy.  But it's mine.

Back in 1999 I was living in Abilene with a roommate, an older guy who was actually my boss at the prison.  We were both from Hamlin and had been commuting to work together daily then decided that moving closer and into a townhouse was cheaper.

The day I arrived to move in was pretty weird.  I had never lived with anyone but family before so I didn't know what to expect. But it was pretty cool.  My roommate helped me unload my pickup and upstairs we went.  I brought a weight bench, a couch that doubled as my bed, the aforementioned chest, a TV and a PlayStation so I was sitting pretty, let me tell you.

What was awkward was having to move the TV and PS off the weight bench every time you wanted to work out.  I mentioned this to my roommate and he snapped his fingers and went into the storage closet out on the patio, coming back, lugging this huge box.  It was light but sturdy, he stood on it to prove it's worth and up it went.  I really didn't think about it alot from then on, it was just an entertainment center to me.

A year later the lease is up and he decides the town home is too expensive and wants to move to a conventional three bedroom apartment because he's just won full custody of his son.  I quickly do some math and decide I don't want to live with a 10 year old that suffers from ADHD and what I can only describe as Dissociative identity disorder.  The times he's visited were some of the most traumatic of my life, alternating bouts of screaming, laughing, crying, often followed by violent fits of rage that scared me to death.  When I learned this child was moving in, I moved out.

I got an apartment in the same complex, because we still worked the same shift and drove the 10 miles to work together, plus it was pretty cake being a sergeant's best friend, I got all the good jobs in Central Command and the pickets, even towers once in a while.   When I moved out, I grabbed everything and put it in my truck and was about to drive to the new place when he told me I forgot something and went and grabbed the trunk.  I tried to demur but he insisted; claimed it was a going away present.

All in all it served it's purpose pretty well, holding TV's of varying size and shape for 10+ years, thru roommates kicking it, televisions being broken with 2x4's, fire extinguishers and untold numbers of drinks spilled on it.  I've kept everything from books to clothes to games to food in it with no concern for the safety of the contents.  Right now my wife's punch bowl is in it, something she would kill me over if it were to break and I'm not in the slightest bit worried about it.

But why keep it and why write this story about it?  Because it too has been on the chopping block every time we moved, only to have found room and kept because one of us needs the other.  After I quit working at the prison in 2000 (or was forced out, depending on who you ask), I moved to Austin and never saw or spoke to my former roommate the sergeant again.  Before I had a chance to reunite I got a phone call that he had been murdered in his apartment, by his new roommate, with a hammer, with his son in the other room.

Now I don't know if that hit you like it did me but I felt deflated, and guilty.  I've never know anyone that was involved in anything more serious than a fistfight or car wreck, I certainly hadn't know anyone to be murdered (there was one friend who committed suicide but that's another story).  What if I hadn't moved? What if I was there with him instead?  When I got the news, my eyes were immediately drawn to the brass trunk with it's broken lock.  A box, that stored junk, that stored memories.

This guy wasn't in my life very long but made a huge impact on my life.  I learned so much about growing up, about being a man, about doing what's right.  His death is something that I think about every time I see this box.  It serves as an end table for me now and every time I set my phone on it, I see my friend's face and remember.  It's not worth anything in the shape it's in; if I put up pictures you would laugh but it's priceless to me.

I've never told anyone these stories, about why I keep these items, I don't think I've ever told myself these stories.  I should go to therapy because there's probably a connection between the two most influential male figures in my life and a couple of storage items, along with my refusal to let them go.

Do I hold on to them out of nostalgia, out of respect, out of loneliness?  Is there a difference?  Is it my fault these men are no longer in my life?  Are these things, the last two pieces of furniture from my pre-wedding life, the link to my past, to my memories or do they hold something more important?  I like to think they do.  

Some things cannot be bought
Some things cannot be taught
Some things cannot be forgot
Some things should not be sought
Some things will be thought
All things will be naught. 

Peek-a-boo?

It's been said that things get easier the longer you do them.  I've heard that habits take 21 days to form.  Someone once told me "There's nothing to it but to do it".  I'm here to tell myself that it's OK to struggle.

I have huge expectations for myself: I must be the best in my office, I have to win at games, you've all seen how awesome I am in most things.  The problem is my tendency to only apply that mentality to some things, not my entire life.  I am in horrible health, grossly overweight, can't follow a budget to save my life, and generally am lazy inside my home, where no one is watching.

Sometimes I feel like I deserve a break, I have "earned" the right to slack off but that's not true.  No one deserves to live like I do and I'm not going to do it anymore.  I'm TIRED of being TIRED.  I have to change my tune, change my ways, change my life.  And the first step in do that is to stop hiding.  That's what I've done since August, I've hidden.  The chart below shows that.

NO MORE SON! GET YOUR BUTT UP! NO ONE IS GOING TO GIVE YOU A FREE PASS ANYMORE! STOP BEING A BLOODY FOOL AND LIVE YOUR LIFE.

Don't Call It A Comeback!

I seem to do this alot.  Stop and start.  I do good then I back off, take my foot off the pedal, make excuses for myself and basically lie to myself.  

In May of this year I quit smoking.  In May of this year I lost almost 30 pounds.  In May of this year I made a declaration that I would not allow myself to live like I had been.  I claimed an epiphany in this post yet here we are, six short months later and I have to do it again.  Here's a list of things I've committed to and failed to follow-thru with:

• Daily Blogging - doesn't have to epic, but putting my life and day down means something, it's showing commitment to something and creates a journey that I can use to see what worked and what didn't. 
• Weekly Weigh-Ins - spent over $200 to buy a scale so I can measure my progress and it's acting as a door stop right now.  I claim to want the data but have missed several weeks in a row.
• Preparing Meals - In April I spent $1,000 on eating out; that dropped to under $300 a month thru the summer as I cooked in advance and made ready to grab meals and snacks.  In October I spent $900 eating out because I didn't want to cook. My food prep blogs were pretty popular, I should do it again, plus I enjoy creating things.  Tonight I made a Fiesta Chicken with Black Bean and corn salsa for tomorrow and it took less than an hour, definitely need to start again.
• MOST IMPORTANTLY - keeping commitments to my friends, family, and fans.  I stopped texting, stopped facebooking, stopped talking.  That's not okay. Speaking with an epic guy tonight really pulled at my heart strings, made me realize that I may not be doing this FOR anyone else, but that doesn't means you guys aren't going this WITH me!  

Ok, pity party over.  Blame game is done.  I'm at 610 yesterday and I WILL BE AT 570 BEFORE DECEMBER 1.  If I don't, I'm giving $570 to charity.  So let's do it, 40 pounds in 25 days.  Oh, and don't say it can't be done or isn't healthy, I've done it twice already so SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME!

Don't forget, I'm leveling up my life and need to start marking some items off!!!

Last One

I'm tired of this. Not the journey but this expectation I have for myself regarding this blog. I don't have desire to maintain it or update regularly so this is my last post. Maybe I'll be back, maybe not. Either way I'll be on Facebook. I might leave this open for when I need to vent but don't expect anything earth shattering.

I wish I was a better person.

Update and AFC

It's Sunday, the weekly weigh-in day but the number on the scale wasn't a big surprise, I've found myself weighing every day here lately, I just want this SO bad, it's like I can make the numbers move by looking at them.  I guess subconsciously I was planning my day based on the number:  If it was up or stayed the same then I worked out longer, once it went down I slacked off.  I am my own worst enemy and punished myself today.  Yesterday I did more exercise than I have in years, walked further than I ever remember doing in one jaunt but the scale didn't move more than it already had.  In my mind I stupidly let one day ruin my weekend.  I still lost for the week but it could have been more positive in my head.

So I figured if the scale didn't move after working out like crazy then I could do the opposite and eat ALL the food and it won't change either.  I know, my logic is flawed.  I said I was fat, not smart.

So while I'm posting a pic of my weight loss, I feel like it's been a bad week; I let today get out of hand and had 2x my calorie goal, not to mention being so depressed I made myself sick to the point where I couldn't leave the house.  I really need to get my mind right or this is going to be a tough battle.

Oh and I skipped a day in my Alphabet Food Challenge (AFC) so today I'm on D.  I had some dried dates for the first time and LOVED THEM.  Very sweet, a little chewy, totally satisfying.  I need to practice moderation though, probably had twice as many as I should have.

 

C is for Cheese

Yesterday's banana was epic and just right in the ripe factor.  If you are one of those people who only eat bananas when they are bright yellow you're missing out!  Yes it's a little squishy but the sweetness and taste cannot be beat!  Try it, you'll love a banana with some brown on it.

Today I'm having a some string cheese.  I really enjoy cheese and cannot imagine giving it up.  String cheese is epic because you can separate the cheese into well, strings.  That makes it go so much further and it's fun too!

B is for Banana (yesterday)

So on my first Alphabet Food Challenge (AFC) Day I had an apple but I figured that's boring, just to eat an apple.  Everyone eats apples right?

Well, actually apples are different to me.  To me, apples represent adulthood and choices.  I know, not what you expected right? Let me explain.

When I was growing up we had apples in our house; not everyday and as part of a regular diet but they were around.  I also got one every year at Christmas in my stocking (I know right, how sad is that getting fruit was rare enough it became a Christmas present).  Anyway, we had red apples, the ones everyone knows: Red Delicious.  And they were. Red. And Delicious that is. And to my chagrin, I found out a few years ago that apples come in more than one color.




That's right, I didn't know or realize there were green apples, pink apples, yellow apples, golden apples, and more.  And I've tried them all now and think I've picked a favorite.  The Yellow Delicious apples and the Granny Smith are 1st and 2nd in my choice list now, respectively.  I love learning new things and knowing that I can change the patterns and habit I grew up with.

A is for Apple

Today starts my new Challenge Series. I am going to pick different things to do to stay motivated. The first one is "The Alphabet Challenge". For the next 26 days I will eat a food per day to match the alphabet. This could get interesting!!

Level Up Ideas!

Level Up Ideas to Improve my Life

So I'm totally stealing this from Steve over @NerdFitness.  He decided to stop living his life thru video games and MAKE his life like one.  You can read about it here http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/epic-quest/

I want to do the same and come up with some EPIC ideas of things I can do to make my life better.  Now Steve is a travel junkie while I'm a homebody so I won't be putting Peru on my list but I totally think I can come up with lots of ideas. And I'm taking suggestions too!

I'll be sorting these out later into categories but this is my random thoughts right now:

• Wrestle an 6 foot or larger alligator
• Drive a single cab pickup comfortably
• Only require one seat on an airplane
• Teach a dog how to ride a skateboard
• Play football on an organized team
• Lose 100 pounds
• Lose 200 pounds
• Lose 300 pounds
• Lose 400 pounds
• Find someone to play 3D chess with
• Swim with sharks
• Go skydiving
• Live on a deserted island, Survivor Man style
• Walk a 5k
• Jog a 5K
• Run a 5K
• Own a bike
• Become a chef
• Watch the sunrise and sunset over the ocean on the same day
• Ride a horse
• Own a motorcycle
• Ride a jetski in the ocean
• Squat 670 pounds 1 time
• Bench press 335 pounds 2 times
• Do a real push-up, not a girl one
• Buy clothes off the rack at Walmart
• Watch the Dallas Cowboys play in person
• Volunteer somewhere
• Have Lasik surgery
• Get a new tattoo for losing 100 pounds (x4)
• Join a chess club
• Be a guest blogger on a for profit website

OK, I'm sleepy so that's I can think of.  Give me more ideas, especially if you'd ever heard me say "I wish"!  Thanks Everyone!

Clear cache and reboot

I'm writing this on Saturday with a heavy heart.  My wife's in-laws came to town last week and had their vacation.  It was amazing; we did so much together and toured parts of South Florida I hadn't had "time" to visit.  At least I thought so but now I know, It wasn't a priority. (Thanks @NerdFitness for teaching me that here.

They all flew home yesterday and I go back to work in a couple days. This week had a lot of high points with tons of activities!  We went on sightseeing tours, explored museums, discovered hidden places along the waterfront and walked a TON.  We found a new spot on the beach that my wife and I are going to return to soon.  Also, I bought an epic hat.  Yes, yes it is nice isn't it?

We're so grateful they had the opportunity to come here and experience the culture and sights with us but if I can be perfectly honest, I'm beat. I need a vacation from my vacation.  And of course, there's the bad stuff that happened, the food.

So how about a list? We like lists!

• Taco Bell
• Five Guys
• Pad Thai
• Pizza
• Wings
• Burger King
• Pollo Tropical
• Chili Dogs
• Bubba Gump Shrimp
• Nachos
• Dunkin Donuts
• Empandas
• Empandas
• Empandas
• Cuban Sandwich
• Chick-Fil-A
• Soft Shell Crab BLT
• Nachos
• Fried Gator
• Steak N Shake
• Dominos

So there you have it: a week of bad decisions intermingled with lots of walking and sweating.  You cannot work off a bad diet I've always heard so it looks like I'm celebrating my week off and 50 pound milestone with a little backtracking but you know what?  That's OK with me.  I know what I did to lose the weight, I know what I did to regain some and I know how to fix me.  I just need to refocus and it begins NOW.  So I'm resetting myself and recommitting to what I'm doing.  Next time I will try harder and will succeed so let's get today over with so I can see where I stand and evaluate the damage I need to undo.  

They say he's the same but he's not the same

How often do you think you're alone?  If you're anything like me, it's often.  If you're anything like me, it's a feeling that never really goes away and can be almost paralyzing.  It's frightening and daunting; a dark pit of despair to know you're the only one going through something or that no one cares.   I've been there for a long time.

For years I was the biggest person in my family, in my school, at my college, at any of my jobs.  I didn't see anyone, anywhere, my size.  I cannot compare that experience to something for you to relate but try to imagine going to an alien world where YOU are the alien, where everyone looks at you funny.  Even with the advent of the internet I didn't use it to connect with others struggling like I was.  I accepted my fate.

Ironic now that I've cancelled my cable but it was weight-loss "reality" shows that showed me other people like me.  I was able to live vicariously through them; their weight loss was my dream and I would imagine what it would be like if I could do that; it never crossed my mind to TRY.  Oh of course I tried but did I?  I don't think I did, I had accepted that I was different.

I started out on TLC with people who had gastric bypass and that became my way out.  I prayed for this surgery, I thought it was the answer, never realizing that I had the answer all the time.  After years of HOPING to get this without really trying, I can now confidently say that if I was offered free gastric tomorrow, I would decline.  Maybe.

After seeing some shows with people who weighed 300 pounds LESS than me get the surgery and seeing how depressed they were about their weight I started to think about something.  Am I stronger than them because I'm not getting it?  Then came the day I saw some shows about Morbid Obesity and people who weighed the same as me or LESS being bed bound or having walls knocked down to get them out of their house and I knew I was different.

I'm not perfect; I'm not better than anyone but you know what?  I'm pretty damn awesome.

• At 670 pounds I got up everyday and went to work.
• At 670 pounds I went into malls and stores.
• At 670 pounds I could take a flight of stairs.
• At 670 pounds I did not need a motorized cart at Walmart.
• At 670 pounds I was capable.
• At 670 pounds I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I started thinking about what is going right, not focusing on what's wrong:  my wife, my nieces and nephews, my job.  This wife of mine has more patience with me than I deserve and is the epitome of what Jesus says in Mark 12:28-33.  She loves me like herself and I couldn't ask for anything more out of this world.  My brothers and sisters have a combined 15 kids and every one of them is perfect and I miss them more than anything.

My career has moved me across the country three times for promotions and truly shows me that anyone can do anything in this country: I'm a college dropout with a hick accent and visible tattoos yet in six years I've received five promotions and am one away from being a vice president.  It has been said that "If you love your job you'll never work a day in your life" and I really believe that.  I'm happy when I'm there and dream about it when I'm not.

I've lost 50 pounds and at my size you can't really tell from looking but I can feel it.  Mentally I'm still 670 and I might always be but physically I'm different and I can't weight to see what else is going to change (did you see what i did there?)  Come along for the ride and let's see what happens in the next 10 weeks. 

Awake

I wake up yearning
Never to make up my learning
Failure isn't the reason
Regret is no longer in season
Desire abounds
Anticipation astounds
The man I'm becoming
The man I'm welcoming
Is a man we need
A man who will lead
A better life awaits
Full of things great
I'm almost there on the outside
To match what I feel inside
Inevitable winning is
Dreams alive it tis.

Grok on

Walked barefoot tonight for the first time since I was a kid. Went for one mile and don't feel bad. Will definitely do it again.

I have almost reached the halfway point in my first 100 pound challenge and am thinking about other goals. I will be making a detailed list of goals and posting soon, plans to make me a better person and not all of them will be weight related.

I'm looking forward to not sweating all the time and being able to buy a pair if pants off the rack and not online. Lots of wants and looking forward, I need to make sure I don't forget to enjoy today!

Stop and Think

Today I made a bad choice. I justified it in my head by saying that I lost a lot last weight so it's ok. How dumb is that? I need to make sure I review my choices before I make them. I'm usually good at evaluating all options and weighing pros/cons but not on food apparently. From now on I am going to track my food BEFORE I eat it and see how that does.

Also I must start thinking before lashing out at people at work. It's not fair to them or to my department. To everyone I've done that to, I'm sorry and will do better. From now on, before I get upset I will let the other person speak and state their position rather than having to defend themselves.

Here's to not being a jerk anymore.

Video Log #1

I tried a video blog today for the first time.  I ramble a bit then things get scary!

I lied

You know every once in a while when you KNOW someone isn't telling the truth?  I'm thinking of Nixon, OJ, or Clinton level of lying.  Yeah, that's me for the past month.  Everyone has advice and motivational quotes to throw out there; of course it's easy to tell others what THEY need to do isn't it?  It's alot harder to live it day in day out and keep a positive front.

I started blogging for myself, to keep myself accountable, so I can have a record of what I am going thru so I can go back when needed to either remind myself how far I've come or help with a specific struggle.   Somehow it, and me, has changed; somehow I started writing FOR other people, thinking what others might want to know or hear, not what is in my heart.

In the past four weeks I have lost 27 pounds, a mere 4% of my body weight; and during that whole time I have smiled, laughed, and made light of it.  It's just a thing, "EAT LESS, MOVE MORE" right?  Yes, it's easy.  For some.  For me, it's not.  I'm trying to untrain 30+ years of psychology with no professional or pharmacological help and it's not easy.  I'm having trouble, everyday.

• Every day I want to eat, alot.  
• Every day I want to smoke.  
• Every day I want to stay inside.
• Every day I want to stop.
• Every day I want to give up.

Yeah, I've made some changes, I'm up to 37 days without a cigarette, I no longer eat out everyday, and I can tie my own shoes.  But what have I NOT done?

• I have not made exercised as much as I should.
• I have not made the best food choices.
• I have not enjoyed this, not one minute.
• I have not gone a day without some sort of personal breakdown.

So yes; I'm a liar, a brave face.  I'm not doing good and I'm tired of saying I am.  I suppose the weight gain this week woke me up.  This is not the first disappointment I've suffered in my life, far from it.  And in the grand scheme of things, I'm still 27 pounds closer to my goal and over a fourth of the way to my first hundred pound loss.  So it's going to get better, I just need to do me.  

After this one, I will not share my Blog on Facebook for a while.  If anyone wants to read it, they can come to me or subscribe to it; I'm doing this for me again.  I HAVE TO POST MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK.  This is cathartic for me and helps me stay focused so I'm going to focus on me for a while. 

Weekly Update (and recipes by popular demand)

It's gonna be a good day, Tater!   Woke up this morning to a 8.9 pound loss so I know this week was good.  But I also know how hard I worked this week (excluding that one visit to Checkers) so I have to keep it up!!! I can and will!  29.5 pounds lost in three weeks just shows that I can do this, nothing will stop me.  I have some shout outs to make:

1. James Garrison for keeping me accountable and always motivating me.  He also has done this before and knows what it will take and the struggles I face.  I value his input and opinion so highly!
2. @SteveKamb who invented and runs www.nerdfitness.com.  He and Staci have been huge supporters of me and I know they wish me the best.  The things that Steve teaches in his fitness and food books have been like a slap in the face to me; kicking my rear off the couch!  
3. All my friends, coworkers, family and fans!  You guys are so inspiring, knowing that you are helping support me is awesome, you don't know the thrill I get when someone comments or likes this junk.  And lately I'm getting people I don't even know liking my status and even a couple of subscribers.  I'm big time!  
4. My wife, Angela, is my biggest fan!  Always giving me words of encouragement and pushing me to be better.  Plus she hates cooking so I get to try out all these great ideas I'm coming up with and subject her to them!

AND WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, SOME OF MY FAV RECIPES WITH PICS! 

(*disclaimer: I don't measure very well so just throw what feels right in there and be done.  As long as you're not baking, cooking is very easy and can be done without alot of thought to amounts, just eyeball it).

• Salsa Verde
• couple pounds of tomatillos (looks like green tomatoes with paper husks)
• peppers of your choice (I use pobalano because wife doesn't care for the heat but a couple of jalapenos or serranos work extremely well. 
• one big yellow onion (or two medium)
• three garlic cloves (or powder, doesn't matter)
• olive oil
• kosher salt/black pepper to taste
• half cup of your favorite salsa or pico de gallo
• cilantro (fresh or dried - if you use dried, use less ;)
• lime or lime juice (I keep a big bottle in the fridge)
• Chili powder to taste

OK, First off, set your oven to broil and throw the tomatillos (husked and washed), peppers, onion, and garlic if you're using fresh onto a cookie sheet.  You can cut the tomatillos or not, your choice, depends on the amount of char you want.  

Drizzle with some EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) and salt and pepper then mix up to get all veggies coated LIGHTLY.  Put in oven for about 7-10 minutes, depending on your level of doneness.

I could have let this go a little more but needed room in the over for some other stuff so I yanked it early (TWSS).  Now take everything on the pan and throw into a blender (EXCEPT the liquid, reserve that for later.  And obviously you need to cut the stems off the peppers (should have done that before it got all hot but I don't think ahead) and deseed them if you don't want much heat.

Now comes the fun part.  Add the salsa or pico and mix that up like you're DJ Skribble at Spring Break 2000!

Alright, now you should have a blender full of hot green mess, lets finish it off.

Add your final spices: garlic powder if you didn't use fresh, chili powder, lime juice, cilantro and if you want it a little thinner, some of the liquid from the pan and blend for just a few seconds until incorporated. 

Now to store it, I use an airtight water bottle with a spout, makes for perfect pouring but any container with a tight fitting lid will work in the fridge.  This salsa verde will work on ANYTHING.  Try it, if you don't love it, I'll refund the entire amount you paid for this recipe. 

• Guacamole (Can't stand it but wife loves it so I make it for her so she's happy)
• two semi ripe avocados (not too firm but not squishy)
• couple of green onions (scallions to you fancy pants)
• garlic powder (would not recommend fresh as it can be too much raw)
• jalapeno (if you want heat, bell if you don't)
• lime juice
• tomatoes

I didn't take a bunch of step by steps but basically you split the cados, scoop it into a bowl, mash with a couple of forks, add diced onions, peppers, tomatoes, garlic, lime juice and stir to combine.

Now I know what you're thinking, "My guac always turns brown so I have to eat it all immediately."  Well I'll help you out, that's right baby birds, I'll feed you.  Guac turns brown because of the air makes an enzyme in the cado oxidize..  No, I didn't make that up, it was on the interwebs, it has to be true!
There are two ways to avoid it: remove the air or treat it chemically.  For the guac you can put in a bowl with a tight lid and press some plastic wrap down onto the surface, preventing the air from touching it and it might keep for two days.  Or, what I do, is add my lime juice now, just throw it in on top so it coats the surface, the acid in the lime slows the oxidation.  I did that with this batch and it was still bright green a week later (or would have been if wife didn't eat it in four days)  Little tip, this works with apples too!

• Faux Potato Mash-o
• two heads of cauliflower, any color will do
• milk (Almond for you cavemen)
• seasoning (garlic, Mrs. Dash, salt/pepper, whatever you like on mashed taters)
• Parmesan cheese
• Green onion (scallion)

Peel all the green off the heads and wash throughly.  Remove the stalk and cut the florets into chunks about the size of  an egg and dump into a pot of boiling water

Boil for about 15 minutes or until the cauli is fork tender (you can stab it with a fork and the fork slides out easily)  Alternatively you can roast the cauli in the oven for the same amount of time, it adds a nice roasted flavor and produces a dryer product. Drain and pat dry with a paper towel. 

Now lets get spinning, add the cauli to the food processor along with the seasoning, a dash of milk and some parm.  Don't forget the garlic powder but use it sparingly!  Cauliflower doesn't turn gummy in the processor like potatoes so mix until the desired consistency is reached.

Transfer to storage container and add chopped onions on top.  Greatest part of using the yellow cauli?  you can trick people into thinking it's potato salad and get them to try it before they claim they don't like it.

• Eggplant nachos
• medium eggplant
• tomato
• salsa (mine from above is amazing ;)
• Parmesan cheese
• cilantro 
• lime juice or balsamic vinegar (just a tiny bit, maybe a couple of tablespoons)
• V slicer (mandatory unless you are Chef Ramsey with a knife)

1. Step one, slice the tomato PAPER THIN, I use the largest attachment for the V slicer, they are almost see-thru.
2. Marinate tomato with cilantro and lime juice (or Balsamic) in the fridge in small container
3. Slice the eggplant with the next larger setting, you don't want them to be as thin as the tomato, they need to have some meat to them.
4. Spread them out on a cookie sheet, no overlapping or you kill the crispy factor.
5. Bake at 400 degrees for 10 min, almost burning them.
6. Pull pan after 10 and turn broiler on.
7. Take the sliced tomatoes and put a slice on each eggplant "chip", trying to match them size for size, for uniformity.
8. Add a small dollop of salsa on the tomato, maybe a teaspoon?  Eyeball it.
9. Top with the Parm and return to oven and broil for maybe 4 or 5 minutes, watching it closely! You want the cheese to start melting and warm up the tomato without burning the eggplant. 
10. NOM NOM NOM

• Roasted asparagus and homemade pizza (you can make them separately but they are fantastic together) 
• store bough whole wheat pizza dough
• marinara sauce (homemade is best and recipe below)
• to food processor add a can of stewed tomatoes, garlic powder, some carrots, onions, mushrooms, small can of tomato sauce, salt and pepper, process still smooth.  Viola!
• thinly sliced meat (turkey, beef, ham)
• fresh veggies of your choice: sliced onions, mushrooms, spinach, olives
• lowfat cheese blend
• fresh mozzarello cheese
• pound of fresh asparagus (if you buy the canned ones you will regret and I'll find you)
• sliced almonds
• Parmesan cheese
• EVOO
• Parsley

1. On a pizza pan, spray some PAM and then put your dough down.  
2. Add some sauce, a half cup maybe, depending on the size of the dough, less for small ones.  
3. Spread it to the edges and then add your sliced meat and veggies. 
4. Lightly cover with cheese and then some thinly sliced chunks of mozzarella.  
5. Drizzle a couple of tablespoons of EVOO across the top and sprinkle with parsley.  
6. Cook in 400 degree oven for about 10 minutes or until the cheese is melted and the crust is to your desired crispness. 
7. Pull and set aside (don't cut it yet, let the cheese set!)

1. While pizza is in the oven, snap the bottom ends of the asparagus off, an inch or two from the bottom, if you bend it, the snap will happen naturally, don't cut them.
2. Wash and then put in foil lined pan.
3. Drizzle with a little EVOO and season with salt and pepper.
4. As soon as the pizza is out, put the asparagus in and bake until tender (not soggy).  It will take about 7 minutes, depending on size of stalks
5. Once they are to your liking, pull and immediately sprinkle with Parm and sliced almonds, leave in pan so cheese can melt.  Slice pizza and then enjoy your creation!

AND THE COUP DE GRACE  - RATATOUILLE FROM THE MOVIE RATATOUILLE

• Large eggplant
• two medium squash
• two medium zucchini
• two or three red bell peppers
• one onion
• two garlic cloves or powder
• your favorite marinara sauce (from above perhaps?)
• fresh thyme or dried Italian season like some lazy person I know
• salt/pepper
• EVOO
• V slicer or hire a samuri warrior to cut everything the same width.

Obviously I have WAY more veggies here than necessary, slice only what you need or you'll be like me and making up recipes for sliced eggplant for a week. 

Get your favorite round or oval pan and add a cup of sauce to the bottom, spread evenly and add your onions, garlic, salt and pepper to it.

Start layering your veggies, in order, one of each color, leaving just a bit of each layer to make consecutively smaller concentric circles. 

Once the entire pan is covered, make sure to force some extra veggies in the center and anywhere the sauce is visible.  Drizzle with EVOO and then sprinkle liberally with thyme or Italian seasoning

Cover and bake in at 375 degree oven for 45 minutes or until the veggies are soft and you see the sauce bubbling around the edges.

Serve over brown or basmati rice with some goat or mozzarella cheese!  Enjoy

That's all I've got for you this week.  I hope I've inspired a couple of you to try something different and if you're on this journey with me, I'm glad to join you and if you need anything, reach out to me on Facebook or Twitter, they are both on this page.  For now I'm going to take my 30 pound weight loss and add to it with the following steps:

1. Eat healthy portions and exercise more
2. ?????????
3. Profit.