I miss me

I don't have a sob story or a motivational NSV to share, just rambling.  I probably pissed some friends at work off today, while playing a GAME.  Life isn't a game, my priorities are whack.  I have such good intentions, but lack of commitment.  I got my annual review, was worse than the last one, could it be that I'm punishing myself for my weight, that I feel since I struggle with it, I should struggle everywhere?

I wrote this poem just now:

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To be truly happy or be wealthy

That's all you wish

that's what you dream about you see

And I'm not here to squish

I dream of neither joy or cash

I dream of neither love or things

I dream of stopping this crash

To be just truly is my yearnings

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Yes, I realize it's crap.  No, I don't care.

70 pounds in two months and now 10 in five.  Something is wrong, and it starts upstairs.  I'm so sick of writing about how I'm back, or how I'm doing this or doing that when it's all just a lie, a lie to myself.  I am rereading my blogs from Day One and I don't notice a trend, I don't see a WHY or a HOW that had me so focused, so committed.  It's like a switch was flipped on in May and off in August.  

Did I mention I'm thinking about smoking again?  I'm using the electronic one though, haven't broken down and bought a pack yet.  I probably won't.

I know what I NEED to do. 

I know what I SHOULD do.

I know what I MUST do.

I know what I HAVE to do.

I know what I WILL do.

I know what I MAY do.

Why don't I know what I CAN do?